“Wow – it left me stunned. Truly thought-provoking…Reading it leaves me with a dozen questions.”
– Cindy Houston Huber, Cedar Rapids, IA

“Oh my…I like it. Love the witty banter and twist. It was kinda hot until I got to the very end…Nice work, my good playwright friend.”
– Dee Rich, actress, Phoenix, AZ

“That was fun! At first I was thinking in actor mode with ‘Hey! Wait a minute…she needs to be more misleading for his switch to flip like that’. but then the punchline kicked in and I was had. Thank you!” – Megan Ginsberg, actress, Cedar Rapids, IA

Cast of Characters

 MAN:                   30’s
WOMAN:             30’s

Setting
A house party in Los Angeles, California.

Time
Present

 (A WOMAN sits on one end of a sofa at a house party talking to an unseen guest. A MAN enters stage right and sits at the opposite end of the sofa. Both are drinking wine. The WOMAN continues her conversation as the MAN fidgets uncomfortably. Someone’s cell phone rings and the MAN checks to see if it’s his. He motions to the WOMAN to hand him a coaster for his drink. She hands the MAN the coaster and continues her conversation. Finally, the WOMAN ends her conversation and sits alone with the MAN.)

MAN                         
I…um…I find parties uncomfortable.

WOMAN                 
And why’s that?

MAN                         
(Beat) I think it’s the pressure to be “on”. You know – to be interesting, entertaining. People are attracted to “funny”. I mean – I don’t mean sexually attracted. (Beat) People like “funny”, is what I’m saying. (Beat) At parties.

WOMAN                  
I’m sure a lot of people feel the same way. I do sometimes.

MAN                         
You do?

WOMAN                  
Uh-huh.

 (Pause)

 MAN:                         
That’s not to say that men don’t go to parties to try and pick up women and try and be funny to lure them home. They do. I mean…people have met their boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives at parties just like this one.

WOMAN                 
Yeh. (Pause) My mother and father met at a party.

 (The WOMAN takes a drink.)

MAN                        
Uncomfortable conversation.

WOMAN                  
What’s that?

MAN                         
I find conversation uncomfortable sometimes. At parties. I either get stuck talking to someone I’d rather not talk to. Or I’m talking to a woman I’m attracted to and I get nervous. (Beat) I’m sure some women feel the same way.

(The MAN takes a drink. Pause)

WOMAN                  
Sometimes. Depends on to whom the woman’s talking. (Beat) I bet you’re a Woody Allen fan.

MAN                         
I wouldn’t call myself a “fan” but I like some of his stuff. I think  he’s a great actor. Why?

WOMAN                 
You remind me of Woody Allen in his films.

MAN                        
You think I look like Woody Allen?

WOMAN                  
No. The way he talks in his movies.

MAN:                         
That’s interesting. I’ve never heard that before. (Beat) He’s sort of  annoying, isn’t he? In his movies? He kinda rambles on and on.  (Beat) So you find me annoying?

WOMAN                  
Noooo. But when you were talking you reminded me of Woody Allen talking in a Woody Allen film. His conversation style. (Beat) Personally I think Woody Allen’s quite endearing.

MAN                         
Oh. (Beat) “Endearing’s” much better than “annoying”.

(Pause)

WOMAN               
It can be awkward. (Beat) Meeting people at parties. I’m Amy.

(She puts out her hand and he shakes it.)

MAN                        
Jeff. Nice to meet you. How do you know the hostess?

WOMAN                
I don’t. My roommate used to work with her. I don’t even know her name. It’s something –

MAN                         
(Overlapping) You don’t know your roommate’s name? Geez…how many drinks have you had?

WOMAN                 
(Overlapping) I know my roommate’s name, smart-ass. The hostess’ name…it’s something like Cara – or maybe it’s Carmen.

MAN:                         
See, that was me trying to be funny – about your roommate’s name.

WOMAN                  
Uh-huh. Keeping tabs on the number of wines I’ve had, are we?

MAN                        
I hadn’t noticed.

WOMAN                 
This is my second. Not drunk yet – just taking the edge off. (Beat) Parties are a downer when you come with a friend as a favor and then your friend goes off mingling.

MAN                        
It’s awkward.

WOMAN                 
And annoying. Girls are supposed to watch out for one another.

MAN                         
Uh-huh. (Beat. Smiling.) Course, you know me now – sorta.

WOMAN                  
Sort of. (She raises her glass of wine.) Cheers.

(The clink wine glasses.)

WOMAN                  
So what about you, Jeff – you said Jeff, right? Who do you know here?

MAN:                         
My buddy went to film school with the hostess. Cara. Or Carmen – whatever her name is. (Scanning the crowd.) She’s around here  somewhere.

WOMAN                
Are you in the entertainment industry?

MAN                        
Sort of. I’m a playwright. What about you?

WOMAN                  
I’m an interior designer. Commercial. What sort of plays do you write?

MAN:                         
Dark stuff. Dark comedies. Dark dramas.

WOMAN                  
Uh-huh.

MAN                         
Black comedies.

WOMAN                  
Dark.

MAN                         
Very. I have a twisted sense of humor – in a nice way.

WOMAN                 
It’s not often that you here “twisted” and “nice” in the same sentence – unless you’re referring to a serial killer. You’re not a serial killer, are you?

MAN                        
I stopped a few years ago. Which makes me just a plain old killer, I guess.

WOMAN                 
People like that sort of genre. I think everyone has a dark side.

MAN                        
Even Mother Theresa had a dark side.

WOMAN                 
Really?

MAN                        
Oh yeh. There’s a consensus among a very small group of people that instead of helping the people of India escape poverty, Mother Theresa helped them just enough to keep them destitute.

WOMAN                
That’s horrible.

MAN                        
It’s an interesting perspective. I’ve thought about writing a play about it called, “Mother Theresa, Mother Fucker”.

WOMAN                
Oh noooo. That’s horrible too.

MAN                       
Yeh – so-so premise but a killer title.

WOMAN:                 
We got off the subject.

MAN                        
I’m sorry.

WOMAN                 
No, no…I was just going to say that I like film noir. I mean I know that’s not playwriting or theater, but it’s sort of dark…film noir. You know.

MAN                        
I don’t watch a lot of film noir, but – (Thinking.) there’s one film noir-ish flick that I really enjoy – have you heard of “Mirage” with Gregory Peck?

WOMAN                 
Oh my God! I love that movie! That’s the one where he plays the amnesiac, right?

MAN                        
Yep.

WOMAN                 
Right. (Beat) Wow…every time I bring that movie up no one’s ever heard of it.

MAN                        
Yeh – it’s rarely on television; you can’t rent it anywhere; I don’t even think you can buy it on DVD. (Beat) I have it.

WOMAN                 
No way!

MAN                        
Yeh. You wanna watch it?

WOMAN                 
I’d love to watch it.

MAN                        
Well – how about right now?

WOMAN                
Now?

MAN                        
Yeh. I live two minutes from here. We can walk it.

WOMAN                  
Um…OK. Yeh, what the hell. The wine wasn’t that good anyway. I’m kidding. (The MAN rises.) Wait – what about your buddy and my girlfriend and Cara – or Carmen?

MAN                         
We’ll call’em from my place.

WOMAN                 
Alright. Lead on, “twisted-nice” Jeff.

 (LIGHTS FADE as the couple exits. LIGHTS UP on the MAN and WOMAN sitting on a different sofa watching television. There’s an end table at each end of the sofa with matching lamps. Each is covered with a blanket. They’re drinking beer and eating popcorn.)

WOMAN                  
You know the thing that I love most about this movie is that as the story unfolds, you’re just as confused as Gregory Peck.

MAN                         
I know. The first time I saw it I came in somewhere in the middle and I couldn’t figure out what the hell what was going on. Then the next time I saw it I came in during another part of the movie. I finally taped the damn thing so I could watch it from the beginning.

WOMAN                 
I could watch this movie over and over again. This was a good idea. (Beat. Turning to the MAN.) Thanks.

MAN                        
You’re welcome. It’s been a while since I’ve seen this. 

(The WOMAN gives the MAN a kiss on the cheek.)

WOMAN                  
I’m glad I went to that party.

MAN                         
Me too.

(He kisses her on the lips. He sets his bowl of popcorn down and notches things up.)

WOMAN                  
Wait. (The MAN backs away.) What are you doing?

MAN                         
I thought – I thought you wanted me to kiss you.

WOMAN                  
I kissed you on the cheek to thank you for inviting me over to watch the movie. (Beat) I –

MAN                        
I –

WOMAN                 
I think you’re a nice guy…just – it was just a friendly kiss.

(Pause)

MAN                         
I think you should leave.

WOMAN                 
Alright. I’m sorry –

MAN                        
You don’t have to apologize. It’s my fault. I, uh… (The WOMAN gets up and gathers her things. The MAN rises.) Wait – you don’t have to go. What about the movie?

WOMAN                  
It’s probably better that I go. It’s late. Maybe another time.

MAN                         
Well…alright. May I call sometime? We can –

WOMAN                  
Um…I can call you. You gave me your business card when we left the party, remember?

MAN                        
Right.

WOMAN                  
Yah.

MAN                        
OK. Well – um…call me then and we’ll finish the movie.

WOMAN                  
Great.

MAN                        
It was nice meeting you, Amy.

WOMAN                  
It was nice meeting you too, Jeff. Bye. And thanks.

MAN                         
Goodbye.

(The WOMAN exits. The MAN returns to the sofa and continues watching the movie. There’s a knock at the door. The MAN answers it.)

WOMAN                  
I’m sorry…my scarf. I left it on the sofa. (She steps into the room as she points to the sofa.) There – (She goes to the sofa to retrieve the scarf.) Sorry about that.

MAN                         
That’s OK.

WOMAN                  
Goodnight again.

MAN                         
‘Night, Amy.

(The MAN aggressively moves in and kisses the WOMAN on the lips. She pushes him away equally as aggressive.)

WOMAN                 
What the fuck are you doing?!

MAN                        
You came back. I thought you wanted –

WOMAN                  
To get my scarf! My God…we just went through this. You’re a nice guy and maybe we can get together another time but right now –  

MAN                         
You don’t have to get hysterical –

WOMAN                  
Hysterical? You need to stop “thinking” and listen, alright? Here’s some free advice:  you come on way-y too strong for your own good.

(She moves toward the door, but the MAN runs in front of her and slams the door shut.)

MAN                        
If you weren’t interested then why did you come back to my apartment?

WOMAN             
Please, I’m going home. (Nervously.) I’ll call you sometime and we’ll finish the movie, OK?

MAN                        
You’re not gonna call me. You say you will but you won’t. You fucking – you go to some party, make small-talk, then go home with a guy and –

WOMAN                 
I went home with you to watch a movie, now –

MAN                         
(Overlapping) – you give me a kiss, I kiss you back and then you suddenly have to leave? What the fuck is that all about?

WOMAN                  
Get out of the way and open the door.

MAN                         
Why did you come back to my apartment if you weren’t interested in me?

WOMAN                  
Open the fucking door.

Fifteen years later, Billy somehow manages to track Laird down, kidnaps and holds him bound and gagged in an abandoned warehouse. Why? Revenge -  but all Billy really wants is an apology. Who’s gonna bend first? 10-minute, drama (2M)

Finalist, Short & Sweet/Sydney,The Biggest Little Play Festival in the World, produced at Newtown Theatre, Sydney, Australia, February 16-20, 2011.

Left to right:  Steve Warwick (Laird), director Grant Wilcox and Chris Turner (Billy). 

Semi-Finalist, Short & Sweet/Sydney, The Biggest Little Play Festival in the World, Australia, January 2010.

Semi-Finalist, Short & Sweet/Brisbane,The Biggest Little Play Festival in the World, Australia, August 2009.

“I just read  “BILLY”…I really liked it. The stakes are so high but (and I hate to say this) it’s funny too. I’d love to direct it – that is the coolest directorial nut to crack. It has more substance than many of the plays I’ve read recently.”
– Dee Rich, actor/director

“…I’m very happy with how the week went…we all really enjoyed working on “BILLY” . It was different and it had impact…it received one of the biggest ovations of the night. A guy sitting behind me…said,  ‘that was fucking brilliant’…you could hear a pin drop…the tension is palpable.”
– Grant Wilcox, director of “Billy” at Short+Sweet Sydney 2011, The Biggest Little Play Festival in the World

“BILLY BALFOOR WANTS AN APOLOGY…saw the reprisal of Chris Turner from Separating the Dust in a very similar role which could have been slightly distracting for some, but at the same time gave the audience the chance to see the demands on some of the performers. It was difficult to pinpoint which character should garner the audience’s sympathies and perhaps this was the charm of the project – the premise of whether there could possibly be a truly evil child was one that was difficult to settle definitively in the short timeframe. Strong performances contributed to this compelling complexity.” 
– Leisa Woodman, AussieTheatre.com

“Billy Balfoor Wants An Apology”

Cast of Characters

LAIRD CLAZERBAK:    50 – 60

BILLY BALFOOR:         21

Setting
An abandoned warehouse in Hawaii.

Time
The present.

(Aside from a small table and chair downstage right and one chair downstage center, the stage is completely bare. There’s one door located stage right upstage. A man, LAIRD CLAZERBAK, is sitting in the downstage center chair – tied, gagged and blindfolded. He’s dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, shorts and huarache’s. He struggles to free himself. He’s been at this for some time and he’s tired. He sinks back into his chair. He is silent, then he suddenly struggles.)

LAIRD:                     
(Muffled.) SOMEBODY HELP ME!!! (A minute passes, then the back door of the warehouse opens and a man, BILLY BALFOOR, enters. He’s around 21 – crew cut/bald, couple tattoos, wife beater tee shirt, jeans, motorcycle boots, and he’s carrying a Starbuck’s coffee, a container of Chinese food and a briefcase. BILLY lets the door slam shut and walks over to the table. LAIRD reacts to the door slam and struggles to yell out. BILLY takes off his jacket, revealing a handgun tucked in the back of his pants. He sets the briefcase on the floor and sits – drinking his coffee and eating his food with chopsticks. Silence. LAIRD struggles violently to free himself. BILLY watches LAIRD as he eats his Chinese food, then  he gets up, walks over to LAIRD, pulls the gag down off LAIRD’S mouth and returns to his chair. LAIRD screams out. Pause.) Hello?! (Pause) Who’s there? (Beat) Hey! (Beat) Who are you?! SOMEONE HELP ME!!

(Beat. LAIRD screams out again.)

BILLY   
(Calmly.) No one can you hear you.

LAIRD
What!? (Pause) Hello?! (Beat) Say something!

BILLY
I said no one can hear you. We’re in the middle of nowhere.

LAIRD
(Cries out again.) Why are you doing this? (No answer.) Listen to me, you don’t – I don’t have any money if that’s what you want. (Beat) Say something, God dammit!

BILLY
(Calmly.) Hello, Laird.

(Beat)

LAIRD
You know my name.

BILLY
Why wouldn’t I?

LAIRD
(Pause. To himself.) I know that voice.

BILLY
You should.

LAIRD                     
(Overlapping. To himself.) How do I know that voice?

(BILLY takes a mouthful of food, then snorts out air from his nose like he’s clearing it – as he did when he was a child. LAIRD’S body language reveals he’s heard this sound before.)

BILLY
The reason I –

LAIRD                     
(Overlapping. Calmly.) It can’t be. (Beat) That’s impossible. (Violently.) SONOFABITCH!! (Hesitantly.) Billy?

BILLY
What gave it away?

LAIRD
The snorting.

BILLY
How are –

LAIRD                     
(Overlapping.) You got that from your mother. No one snorts like your family and I should know…I listened to it every day for two years.

BILLY
How are –

LAIRD         
(Overlapping.) Made me wanna wretch back then.

BILLY
WILL YOU SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH?! (Beat) How are you, Laird?

LAIRD                     
(Beat) Well…why don’t you come over here and untie me and I’ll tell you how I am, you dumb motherfucker.

BILLY
Still the same loud, nasty ogre, aren’t you?

LAIRD
(Beat. Shaking his head.) Billy fucking Balfoor.

BILLY
I didn’t think we’d ever see each other again, let alone have a conversation. Just like old times, huh Laird?

LAIRD
We never had “old times”, Billy. And we certainly never “conversed”. I yelled and you stood there like a post-op lobotomy patient.

BILLY
Do you have any idea…what it was like…having to wait all these years? I mean…a six-year-old is incapable of articulating what he’s thinking, you know? (Beat) There were things I wanted to tell you.

LAIRD
Your articulating is still for shit so why don’t you just tell me what the fuck you’re talking about.

BILLY
I’m referring to your trial. There were things I wanted to tell you then. (Beat) This is very surreal for me.

LAIRD
And you felt the need to involve me in your sociopathic, surreal experience, is that it?

BILLY
It’s because of you that it’s surreal.

LAIRD
That’s rich, Billy. (Beat) And by the way, who the fuck told you I was living in Hawaii? The court mandated that confidential information.

BILLY
It doesn’t matter now.

LAIRD
Your mother was the only –

BILLY
I told you…it doesn’t matter.

LAIRD
If you knew where to find me why didn’t you just mail me a letter?

BILLY
Because you would’ve thrown it in the garbage. (Beat) I needed to do this face-to-face.

LAIRD
And naturally a blindfold helps you accomplish that. (Beat) Did your psychiatrist tell you that?

BILLY
To blindfold you?

LAIRD
No, stupid. To confront me face-to-face?

BILLY
I’m not seeing any psychiatrist.

LAIRD
You should. (Beat.) Why am I here, Billy?

BILLY
You honestly have no idea?

LAIRD
Billy – why…am…I…here?

BILLY
How ‘bout we start with an apology?

LAIRD
You’re funny. I’m not saying another word until you take off this fucking blindfold.

(BILLY walks over to LAIRD, removes the blindfold and returns to his seat.)

BILLY
Better?

LAIRD                     
(LAIRD’S eyes adjust to the light. He gives BILLY the once-over.) You’re taller than I remember. Meeting up with the other Hitler youth later on to crash a J-Date party? (Beat) You were saying something about apologizing to me?

BILLY:
No…I want you to apologize to me.

LAIRD:
For what?

BILLY:
For trying to kill me.

LAIRD
And why would I do that? Apologize, that is?

BILLY
I don’t think it’s such an odd request, seeing as I was the intended victim.

LAIRD
Umm…no.

BILLY
No?

LAIRD
Listen, I’m not a big fan of the answer-a-question-by-repeating-the-question-back-to-me game…even when I’m not constrained to a chair with heavy rope.

BILLY
So that’s it?

LAIRD
Sorry you crawled out from whatever rock you were hiding under and came all this way for nothing, but I think I hear your mommy calling you.

BILLY
My mother died three years ago.

(Beat)

LAIRD
Dumb as a doornail, your mother. I warned her about you…we all did. She knew. She just wouldn’t listen.

BILLY
If you’re trying to get a rise out of me, I was numbed to your insensitivity years ago.

LAIRD
Is that what this is about? How insensitive I was to you 15 years ago?

BILLY
You did try and kill me.

LAIRD
And your point?

BILLY
Everyone has their day of reckoning, Laird. Rapists, priests, politicians, Wall Street brokers, child murderers –

LAIRD
Attempted murderer.

BILLY
– eventually everyone must atone for his or her sins.

LAIRDY
“Atone”? Well, Hallelujah! Billy Balfoor found religion!

BILLY
I’m sure this is awkward for you too.

LAIRD
Awkward? For me? Naaaa. This shit happens to me every other day. But speaking of priests, let me tell you what is awkward. 25 years in prison with some guy’s dick up your asshole for kidnapping me. THAT’S awkward.

BILLY
So you won’t apologize for trying to kill me?

LAIRD
I wouldn’t apologize to you if I was going into diabetic shock and you were holding a chocolate bar. Attempting to rid the world of you is the most selfless act I’ve ever committed. I should be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom. They should erect a fucking statue of me in Washington, D.C. (Beat) Speaking of making amends, why don’t you try apologizing to me for making my life miserable for two years?

Dave and Linda Parke rehearsing “PTSP.” for Drakes’ Erotic Emporium in Los Angeles, Summer 2007.

*  BEST OF SHOW – UNcover: A two-nite art exhibition with an erotic vibe – juried show, Cedar Rapids, IA, March 2007 (directed).

*  NEW! Short film, PASS THE SALT, PLEASE, stars Academy Award nominee Seymour Cassel and Emmy winner Fionnula Flanagan, with actors Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Radha Mitchell as executive producers. Directed by Tatjana Najdanovic. Official selection to the following 2011 film festivals:  Sydney International, Big Sur (Gala Finalist), Palm Springs International ShortFest (Jury Award, Special Citation – Best OnScreen Pairing), LA ShortsFest International, Rhode Island International, Milwaukee, Raindance (London), Orlando, St. Louis, Austin, Hawaiian International, Chicago International and Warsaw, Poland. Click here for Kickstarter trailer.

Fionnula Flanagan and Seymour Cassel star in PASS THE SALT, PLEASE.

*  Semi-Finalist, Short & Sweet/Sydney: The Biggest Little Play Festival in the World, Australia, December, 2007.

*  Los Angeles premiere, Drake’s Erotic Emporium on Melrose in West Hollywood, Saturday, August 2007.

*  The Little Red Studio’s Erotic Shorts Festival, April 24 – May 3, 2009.

*  Performance for artists-only opening night gala, Seattle Erotic Arts Festival, April 30, 2009.

*  Southeastern Premiere @ City Theatre’s Summer Shorts Festival/“Undershorts”, May – June, 2009, Miami.

*  For publication by Heuer Publishing Co in Fall 2009. Contact me for copies of the play until further notice. For future reference, copies of this play and royalty information will be available through HEUER PUBLISHING CO.

“What I love about your work in this play, Jeff, is the fun, sexy, funny and ultimately very poignant writing. Congratulations, Jeff. Well done.”
– Gary Garrison, playwright, author, exec. director for Creative Affairs of The Dramatists Guild of America, artistic dir. and division head of playwriting for the Goldberg Department of Dramatic Writing at the Tisch School of the Arts, New York, on the performance of “PTSP.” at the Summer Shorts Festival in Miami, May-June 2009.

I love it, love it, love it! It’s spot on and heart-breakingly hilarious…I hope that ‘Pass the Salt, Please.’ has legs of steel!”
– Donna Latham, playwright, Chicago, IL

“I love the play. I have high expectations for (its) proper performance (in order to) do it the entitled justice.”
– Casey Kasparek, Artist/UNcover organizer, Mount Vernon, IA

“I love the play…the jewel of the Undershorts program.”
– Stuart Meltzer, Artistic Director, City Theatre, Miami, FL

“Garcia and Trovillion reach a new level of comedy gold in Jeffrey James Ircink’s “Pass the Salt, Please.”…The sheer simplicity of it all…One of my favorite pieces of the night.”
– Alexis Scheer, The Playground

“The best pieces are Michael McKeever’s “Cravin Tutweiler: (The Real Life Story Of)” (Signature Shorts), Christopher Durang’s “Kitty the Waitress” (Signature Shorts), and Jeffrey James Ircink’s “Pass the Salt, Please.” (Undershorts). These bawdy, viciously witty, and unerringly self-aware little plays demonstrate a control of tone and speed that writers and interpreters of even very long plays should study and emulate.”
– Brandon K. Thorp, Miami New Times

“ ‘Pass the Salt, Please.’, written by Jeffrey James Ircink, is easily the most uproarious piece although the least promising on paper.”
– Bill Hirshman, Sun-Sentinel, Miami

“…”Pass the Salt, Please.” was absolutely one of the best play in Undershorts…I look forward to more of your plays!”
– CLJ, SouthFloridaTheatreScene.com

“The language is raw, yet the characters never flinch. Instead, as if to almost say, ‘There…take that!’, Ircink follows each divulged explicit sex act wish with the simple title line. The salt is then passed. The scene is reminiscent of a well played chess match.”
– Michael Martin, Edge - Miami, FL

“Three of the better plays in Undershorts are the first three — they come at you right out of the gate, a rat-a-tat-tat of racy wackiness…’April Showers’, ‘Sodom & Gororrah: Priced to Sell’, and ‘Pass the Salt, Please.’…Trovillion is in five of the seven plays, is both hysterical and touching, combining the two perfectly in ‘Pass the Salt, Please.’ “
– Mary Damiano, Miami Artzine

Michael Blum and Heather Ward in “PTSP.” at The Little Red Studio’s Erotic Shorts Festival, April 24 – May3, 2009, Seattle.

“It went beautifully! Your play was a total hit!”
– Kerry Christiansen, The Little Red Studio, Seattle, WA

“…if you see just one, the smart money says to check out Undershorts, which includes maybe the awesomest short the Miami New Times has ever witnessed – “Pass the Salt, Please”, by Jeffrey James Ircink…you gotta see it.”
– Brandon K. Thorp, Miami News Times, June 2009, regarding City Theatre’s Summer Shorts Festival 2009 moving to Fort Lauderdale for its final week

“…there’s a reason it was placed at the close of the show.”
– Donn Christiansen, director/actor, The Little Red Studio, Seattle, WA

“To this day, one of my favorite short plays ever written.”
– Michael McKeever, actor, playwright, Fort Laudersale, FL

“I saw the show at Little Red Studio last night. The whole evening was wonderful, but ‘Pass the Salt, Please.’ was utterly brilliant. There was so much going on in it, and just when I thought I had the couple figured out the ground shifted underneath me and I started seeing it from a different angle.”
– Patti Beadles, patron & performance artist, San Francisco

“Seriously, that show was the most fun I’ve had doing anything on stage for a long time.  Thank you Jeff, for a brilliant script…What a finely polished yet multifaceted little nugget we produced!  I miss it still.  It has been carefully stored away in one of the special keepsake compartments of my heart, to pull out and marvel at whenever I need a lift. For that, I can never thank you enough.”
– Heather Ward, the “Woman” in “PTSP.” at The Little Red Studio’s Erotic Shorts Festival, Seattle, WA

“I really enjoyed your play, best of the bunch as far as I’m concerned.”
– Gordon McConnell, directo of “PTSP.”, City Theatre’s Summer Shorts Festival 2009, Miami, FL

“It was GREAT! I loved your script from the minute I first read it! I look forward to reading your future shows. Michael and Heather had the audience in hysterics… It seems that the three of us make a great team in making your words come to life the way you intended (i hope)…It was from what I heard from audience the *hit* of the night!…one of the best shows I ever worked on!”
– Cherilynn Brooks, director of “PTSP.” at The Little Red Studio’s Erotic Shorts Festival, Seattle, WA

“…this was truly a wonderful experience, especially for my first theatrical outing in my new home town. Aside from the brilliance from all three of you (which was extraordinary), it was the warmth and caring with which all of you approached the material…I will cherish for the rest of my life. The hardest thing about doing this was not trying not to laugh… it was trying not to cry at the sight of your dear faces. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
– Michael Blum, the “Man” in “PTSP.” at The Little Red Studio’s Erotic Shorts Festival in Seattle, WA

“Pass the Salt, Please.” with Stephen Trollion and Elena Maria Garcia in City Theatre’s Summer Shorts/Undershorts 2009, Miami.

“Bringing a bit of traditional theater to the Festival stage was an experiment. Jeff, you wrote a very funny script. Cher, your casting and directing choices were excellent. Michael and Heather, you did a fine job, both here and during the run at Little Red Studio.”
– Clayton Hibbert, Seattle Erotic Art Festival

“Your other plays are far and away better. This one reads like a 12-year-old’s masturbatory fantasy.”
– Maria McCann, actress and friend in California

“The show really went well! Dave and Linda were perfection…All my friend’s loved the piece and Sister Unity of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence wants a copy of the play…All in all, a great experience…a very well-written play.”
– Stephen Allen Carver, director of “Pass the Salt, Please.” at Drake’s in Los Angeles, August 2007

“Two nights of perfection. The only thing that could make the show better is if we win Best of Show”.
– Jeffrey James Ircink, writer of “Pass the Salt, Please.” and director at UNcover, March 2007. It won.

“You gotta admire someone who can do erotica without being gratuitous; it’s smart and kooky and I want to read more of your stuff.”
– Dee Rich, actress, Phoenix

“…‘Pass The Salt, Please’ was absolutely one of the best plays in UnderShorts.”
– CLJ, South Florida Theatre Scene

“We are interested in discussing your play. It might be something we would be interested in sponsoring.”
– John Ince, The Sex Party, British Columbia, Canada

“Pass the Salt, Please.”

Cast of Characters

ANNOUNCER: Open
MAN: 45-60
WOMAN: 45-60

The MAN and WOMAN are relatively the same age (ideal age would be mid 50’s to early 60’s); MAN is dressed in jeans, tee shirt and casual dress shirt; WOMAN is dressed in jeans or pants and top. There is no “look” for this couple; nor should they have to look like they’re a “couple” (I’d actually prefer it if they weren’t “pretty”). This play is shorter than 10 minutes if you read it straight through. So, the actors need to adhere to the beats and pauses – intentionally placed to drag out the dinner table conversation. The more gaps and holes in the dialogue, the better.

Setting

Tuesday evening. A dining room in a home. The SET consists of a small dining room table, two chairs, and place settings for two and a jug of water. When this was first staged, we used real food and I prefer that. FOOD consisted of a rotisserie chicken split in half, cottage cheese, potato salad and fresh fruit.

Time

The present.

“Pass the Salt, Please.”

(As the following quote is read by the director or another appropriate representative, LIGHTS FADE UP on scene.)

ANNOUNCER:

ANNOUNCER:
“Instead of fulfilling the promise of infinite orgasmic bliss, sex in the America of the feminine mystique is becoming a strangely joyless national compulsion, if not a contemptuous mockery.” Betty Friedan. U.S. feminist.

(Beat)

Ladies and Gentlemen:  “Pass the Salt, Please.”

(Tuesday evening. A MAN and WOMAN are at either end of a medium-sized table eating dinner. They are quiet. The tone throughout the entire scene is sedate – monotone, expressionless – as if the couple’s bored, but not necessarily with each other. They are fazed by nothing each other says – everything spoken is matter-of-factly. There is a long pause while they eat before the WOMAN speaks. NOTE:  pauses = 5 seconds, but the final discretion is up to the director.)

WOMAN:

Anything exciting happen at work today?

MAN:

Not really. Same old, same old. Why?

WOMAN:

No reason.

(Pause.)

MAN:

Pfieffer got fired.

WOMAN:

What’s that?

MAN:

Pfieffer got fired. You asked me if anything exciting happened at work today. Pfieffer got fired.

WOMAN:

Who’s Pfieffer?

MAN:

I don’t know – some guy in accounting. Could you pass the salt?

(She passes the salt. Pause.)

WOMAN:

So – Pfieffer got fired.

MAN:

Yep.

WOMAN:

What did he do?

MAN:

I told you – he worked in accounting.

WOMAN:

I meant what did he do to get fired.

MAN:

I’m not sure. I didn’t know him that well. Just heard about it.

WOMAN:

Then why’d you bring him up?

MAN:

You brought him up.

WOMAN:

How did I bring him up? I don’t know who Pfieffer is. Why would I bring up a guy I don’t even know? Could I have the salt, please? (He passes the salt.) Thank you.

MAN:

You asked me if anything exciting happened at work today. Pfieffer getting fired was exciting.

WOMAN:

How do you figure?

MAN:

Well what do you consider, “exciting”?

WOMAN:

(A moment.) A winning lottery ticket. (Beat) A new refrigerator would be exciting.

MAN:

OK.

WOMAN:

(Overlapping) Traveling – anywhere.

MAN:

(Overlapping) I got it. What about –

WOMAN:

(Overlapping) Getting fired is not “exciting”.

MAN:

What about the guys who were waiting for the Hindenburg to land in New Jersey…the ones who caught the guide ropes the crew threw out?

WOMAN:

The linesmen?

MAN:

Yeh, the linesman. Yuh suppose at dinner later that night when the linesman’s wife asked him, ‘did anything exciting happen at work today, dear?’, he said, ‘no’? (Beat) What he said was, ‘Yeh, the God damn Hindenburg crashed and burned while I was holding onto one of the guide ropes’. (Beat) That’s “exciting”.

WOMAN:

That’s a tragedy.

MAN:

It’s still exciting.

WOMAN:

So I should be excited about people burning to death.

MAN:

I’m not saying you should revel in someone else’s tragedy. Excitement can mean ‘the state of being emotionally worked up’. (Beat) I’m simply saying there’s a level of excitement to everything – however dreadful it may be.

WOMAN:

Whatever.

MAN:

Whatever. Can I have the salt? (She passes the salt. Beat.) What are you doing tonight?

WOMAN:

I may finish that book you gave me for my birthday – the one on cats.

MAN:

It’s a picture book.

WOMAN:

(Aside) Yah.

(Pause.)

MAN:

I bought two boxes of paperwhite candles from Sheila. She –

WOMAN:

Who’s Sheila?

MAN:

My boss’ secretary. You’ve met her. She hosted one of those house parties where women buy jewelry and Tupperware and – stuff.

WOMAN:

I didn’t know they still made Tupperware.

MAN:

Yep.

WOMAN:

I don’t remember being at a party with any “Sheila”.

MAN:

You met her at work, not the party.

WOMAN:

When were you at her house?

MAN:

I wasn’t at the party either. She brought’em with her to the office.

WOMAN:

Men purchase stuff from house parties too, you know.

MAN:

I know. I bought candles.

WOMAN:

I love the smell of paperwhites.

MAN:

Yah – well I thought maybe we could light a few – later on…in the bathtub. Listen to some music…glass of wine – you know.

WOMAN:

You wanna put candles in the bathtub?

MAN:

No – you and I would be in the tub. The candles would be –

WOMAN:

Oh. Right. (Beat) We’ll see…maybe. (Beat) Candles and music, huh?

MAN:

It’s a “touch”. (He salts his food. Pause.) Do we have any honey?

WOMAN:

I don’t think so.

MAN:

Would you look for me?

WOMAN:

Why do you want honey?

MAN:

I like a full complement of condiments at my disposal when I’m eating. Is there anything wrong with that?

WOMAN:

Why don’t you look yourself?

MAN:

I don’t know where you keep it.

WOMAN:

I think we’re out of honey anyway.

MAN:

Forget it. (Pause) If I had some honey right now I’d take it and – (Beat) – squirt it on your chest.

WOMAN:

Excuse me?

MAN:

Then I’d lick the honey off your tits.

WOMAN:

You’re such a pig. (Beat) How would you like it if I took some honey and squirt it on…your…dick?

MAN:

(Beat) So-o…what’s your point?

WOMAN:

Nothing. Nothing is my point.

(Pause.)

MAN:

Well are you just gonna leave it there?

WOMAN:

What?

MAN:

The honey.

WOMAN:

Maybe. (Beat) Maybe…I’d…suck it off. (The MAN begins to interject but is cut off.)  Maybe. (Beat) Suck on your balls, too. Salt, please.

(He passes the salt. Beat.)

MAN:

Never pictured you as the ball-sucking type.

WOMAN:

You never asked.

MAN:

(Beat) Not that I mind you fondling my balls, but what are you planning to do with my cock when you’re done sucking it?

WOMAN:

What do you want me to do with it?

MAN:

Well, I guess –

WOMAN:

You wanna stick it in my pussy, don’t you?

MAN:

Yeh. I wanna fuck you.

WOMAN:

Go ahead then – fuck my pussy.

MAN:

I will.

WOMAN:

How ya gonna fuck me?

MAN:

Hard.

(He reaches for the salt.)

WOMAN:

How does my pussy feel?

MAN:

Like a pussy. (Beat) Warm – and wet…like a tropical rain forest. Makes me feel…contented. (Beat) I like the timbre in your voice at that exact moment I stick my cock in you.

WOMAN:

Keep fucking me the way you are and I’ll say anything you want me to say.

MAN:

Tell me my cock’s the best cock you’ve ever had.

WOMAN:

It’s the best cock I’ve ever had. (Beat) Tell me I’m the best fuck you’ve ever had.

(She reaches for the salt.)

MAN:

You’re the best fuck I’ve ever had. Tell me I’m –

WOMAN:

The best…fuck – ever. Cum every time.

MAN:

Really?

WOMAN:

No. (Beat) Close though. (Beat) You know what I’d like?

MAN:

What’s that?

WOMAN:

I like you to do me in the ass.

MAN:

OK.

WOMAN:

Really?

MAN:

Sure. Why not?

WOMAN:

(Beat) Pig.

MAN:

That’s me.

WOMAN:

Fuck me in the ass, pig-man.

(They both reach for the salt but he grabs it first.)

MAN:

You’re a dirty little girl, aren’t you?

WOMAN:

That’s right. I’m your dirty, nasty, little bitch so you go right ahead and fuck me in the ass.

MAN:

Beg me.

WOMAN:

Please?

MAN:

Beg me some more.

WOMAN:

I only beg once. (Beat) And you’ll do it exactly the way I tell you to do it.

MAN:

Yes, ma’am.

(She reaches for the salt.)

WOMAN:

‘Cause I’m the boss of you, pig-man.

MAN:

Yes you are.

WOMAN:

‘Yes you are’ what?

MAN:

‘Yes you are, ma’am.’

WOMAN:

That’s better, asshole.

MAN:

I love how you make me feel – so…like a –

WOMAN:

A pig?

MAN:

Um –

WOMAN:

That’s because you’re my pig and all my pigs do what I tell them.

MAN:

(Beat) You have more than one pig?

WOMAN:

No – it’s an expression. (Beat. The MAN subtly emits an oink or two like a pig.) What are you doing?

MAN:

Being your little pig.

WOMAN:

Don’t do that.

(Pause.)

MAN:

I wonder how you’d look with one of those balls in your mouth – when you discipline me. You know the ones with the straps that go around your head.

WOMAN:

I know. (Beat) No.

MAN:

No ball?

WOMAN:

No ball.

MAN:

Why?

WOMAN:

You wear the ball. I’m the one doing the disciplining, remember? I say when we do it, what we do and what we wear. Not you.

MAN:

We could each wear a ball.

(He gestures for the salt, which she hands him.)

WOMAN:

Fine.

(Pause.)

MAN:

I can’t wait to fuck you in the ass.

WOMAN:

You said that already.

MAN:

I know, it’s just that –

WOMAN:

Fuck me somewhere else.

MAN:

Where else am I supposed to fuck you? I’ve already –

WOMAN:

I don’t know. Figure it out yourself.

(Beat – not a Pause – a Beat.)

MAN:

So-o-o…what are we doing after dinner?

WOMAN:

I already told you.

MAN:

The cat book?

WOMAN:

Uh-huh. (Beat) I’m a little tired actually. I may read and go to bed early. Why?

MAN:

I was just thinking we could…(Beat. He stops eating and gets a very subtle, ‘let’s have sex’ look on his face.) You know.

WOMAN:

What? Oh. Um…I’m not sure.

(Beat)

I just…I don’t think so. Thanks for asking though. Some other time.

(Pause)

I love you.

MAN:

I love you, too.

(Pause.)

WOMAN:

Pass the salt, please.

(MAN passes the salt. They continue to eat in silence. LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK.)

(END OF SCENE.)
(END OF PLAY.)

“4 1/2 Minutes (give or take) to Climax”

A Short Play (excerpt)
by
Jeffrey James Ircink

© Copyright 2007, Jeffrey James Ircink
6405 blossom ct.
greendale, wi 53129
c: (262) 806-2808
jeffbumbershoot432gmail.com
irc_64@hotmail.com

http://jeffircink.blogspot.com

June 2007

Cast of Characters

HUSBAND/WIFE: 50’s – A fun-loving, party couple, but in a very unassuming manner. They act very much like a newlywed couple, but have been married for over 25 years.

LESBIAN #1: 20’s–30’s – She’s the “butch” one.

LESBIAN #2: 20’s–30’s – She’s the “feminine” one.

OLDER MAN: 50+ – Widower, businessman, sort of a good old boy.

YOUNGER WOMAN: 20’s – Young, carefree, no responsibilities.

SCENE:
Seattle, Washington.

TIME:
The present.

(Evening. A Christian swinger’s convention. Midtown Express and Convention Center in downtown Seattle. The stage is BLACK. Two chairs side-by-side are placed downstage center. Throughout the play, each couple will sit in the chairs and talk to an unseen “interviewer” – these monologues represent interviews conducted earlier in the evening. Center stage is a “room” the actors will occupy for most of the play. Downstage center at the edge of the stage is a digital clock – large enough so that the audience can read it. The clock ticks off the “real time” the actors spend in the room, and will pause for the actor monologues. At the end of the play, the clock should read, “5:30” or close to it. Frantic voices are heard off-stage.)

LESBIAN #1:
They’re all locked!

(A pistol shot rings out.)

HUSBAND:
Keep trying!

WIFE:
This one’s locked, too.

HUSBAND:
(The door to the room swings inward to the left.) Over here! This one’s open! (Beat) Everyone in here! Come on, come on – hurry! (Another shot rings out. The HUSBAND and five other people funnel into the room. They’re all wearing name tags but are never referred to by their first names. The HUSBAND shuts the door and locks it.) Find the lights!

(The OLDER MAN switches on the room light – a string attached to one light bulb in the center of the room or a small lamp. The clock starts to count off beginning with “zero”. The dimly lit room reveals a medium-sized janitor’s closet. Everyone is talking at once. The OLDER MAN, LESBIAN #1 and the YOUNGER WOMAN immediately begin dialing their phones but no one is getting through. They continue dialing.)

HUSBAND:
(To his WIFE.) Honey, gimme your cell phone.

WIFE:
(Rummaging through her purse.) I must have left it in the car.

HUSBAND:
God dammit!

LESBIAN #1:
What the fuck is going on out there?!

HUSBAND:
It sounded like gunshots.

OLDER MAN:
Pistol shots, more like it.

WIFE:
What?

YOUNGER WOMAN:
Oh my God.

LESBIAN #2:
Someone needs to call the police

OLDER MAN:
(Overlapping) I’m trying!

LESBIAN #1:
(Overlapping) I’m trying!

YOUNGER WOMAN:
(Overlapping) I’m trying!

HUSBAND:
OK…everyone just calm down. Let me think for a second.

YOUNGER WOMAN:
We have to get help!

(The clock stops ticking, the actors “freeze” and the stage FADES TO BLACK. A SPOTLIGHT POPS on the OLDER MAN and the YOUNGER WOMAN, who “unfreeze” and take positions in the “interview” chairs. The OLDER MAN is 50+ and the YOUNGER WOMAN is in her 20’s. Both are holding drinks; his arm is resting on her chair.)

OLDER MAN:
We just met.

YOUNGER WOMAN:
We met earlier this evening at the entrance to the convention center. We both came stag…hoping to find someone to go inside with.

OLDER MAN:
Singles aren’t allowed in most swinger events, particularly single men. I’d been swinging for about 20 years, and then I found the Lord – got reborn – and I’ve been Christian swinging for about three years, and – well, my wife passed away a few years ago, and I miss it. I miss my wife, too. (Beat) It’s been difficult finding someone who enjoys this lifestyle as much as I do – like Maggie and I did.

YOUNGER WOMAN:
I didn’t know this was a Christian swinger’s convention.

OLDER MAN:
That’s why I’m wearing this pin – “Swing with Jesus”. I’m not saying Jesus was a swinger. It just signifies that we’re all Christians enjoying the life the good Lord gave us, that’s all.

YOUNGER WOMAN:
My boyfriend and I had been swinging for about a year. Then we broke up; he got married and moved away. I was heartbroken – ‘cause I like to swing, you know? (Looking at the OLDER MAN.) And then we bumped into each other –

OLDER MAN:
– and we got to talking and here we are.

YOUNGER WOMAN:
I mean, really – is there a better situation for two strangers to find themselves in? You let your inhibitions down, have a good time and everything else just sorta falls into place. It’s the perfect blind date.

OLDER MAN:
She reminds me of my Maggie when we first started dating. (Beat) Also of a girl I met in Da Nang. Marine Corp. ’69-’72.

YOUNGER WOMAN:
He reminds me of my father. (Beat) That’s kinda weird – that I might be having sex with my “father” later tonight. (To OLDER MAN.) And an ex-Marine. Cheers.

(They toast. The SPOTLIGHT FADES on the couple, who resume their frozen spot with the others. As the LIGHTS FADES UP in the room, everyone unfreezes and continues where they left off. The clock resumes ticking.)

HUSBAND:
We all have to calm down first – and be quiet. (Beat) Sonofabitch. The last thing we wanna do is let some nut job with a gun know where we are. Is the door locked?

OLDER MAN:
It’s locked.

WIFE:
Who would bring a gun to a swinger’s convention?

OLDER MAN:
A scorned swinger?

LESBIAN #1:
Or maybe someone who thought “Christian swinger” was a bit of a stretch.

LESBIAN #2:
Has anyone gotten through to the police?

OLDER MAN:
I can’t get a signal.

(A shot rings out – it’s closer. Then a second shot – even closer.)

HUSBAND:
SH-H! SH-H! Hold on.

(Beat)

WIFE:
It’s getting closer.

HUSBAND:
Sh-h.

(Beat. The door handle jiggles. There’s an unassuming knock at the door. LESBIAN #2 starts to cry out but LESBIAN #1 covers her mouth. The door handle jiggles again. The HUSBAND motions to everyone to remain quiet. They wait. They hear pounding on another door down the hallway. Silence. The HUSBAND puts his ear to the door.)

HUSBAND:
I think he’s gone.

YOUNGER WOMAN:
What are we gonna do?

LESBIAN #1:
We gotta get the fuck outta here is what we gotta do. (Beat)
These cell phones suck!

YOUNGER WOMAN:
Mine’s ringing!

(The OLDER MAN grabs it away from her.)

OLDER MAN:
(Calmly but determined.) Hello? Hello? Yes…this is an emergency. Shots have been fired. There are six of us trapped in a – (Looking around.) – a janitor’s closet, I think – at the Midtown Express and Convention Center downtown and someone is shootin’ the hell outta this place. Yes – (To the group.) They know about it. (On phone.) What are we supposed to do? What? (Pause) We don’t know. OK. You have this number? That’s right. Goodbye. (He hangs up. To the group.) The police are outside.

WIFE:
Thank God.

YOUNGER WOMAN:
It’s quiet. I wonder if he’s still out there?

(A shot rings out.)

LESBIAN #1:
Does that answer your question?

HUSBAND:
What did they say about the shooter?

OLDER MAN:
The shooter contacted the police by cell phone. They don’t know who he is or what he wants. All he said was, ‘we reapeth what we sow’…‘vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord.’ That’s all they’ve been able to get out of him so far.

LESBIAN #1:
A religious nut. Just like I said.

OLDER MAN:
Most everyone got out of the building.

HUSBAND:
Most?

OLDER MAN:
Three people are dead, according to the shooter. (Reactions.) He’s holding hostages and promises to kill more.

HUSBAND:
What’s he asking for?

OLDER MAN:
He didn’t say.

YOUNGER WOMAN:
Oh my God.

LESBIAN #2:
(Looking toward LESBIAN #1.) We should have never come here.

OLDER MAN:
‘We reapeth what we sow’.

WIFE: We’re all gonna die.

HUSBAND:
We are not gonna die.

LESBIAN #1:
We’re trapped in a janitor’s closet with some pissed off psycho running around killing Christian swingers. What do you think the odds of us getting outta here alive are?

HUSBAND:
Better if we don’t lose our heads.

WIFE:
(Clinging to her husband.) I don’t want to die here!

HUSBAND:
Honey, everything’s gonna be alright. The police are gonna take care of everything.

(The clock stops ticking, the actors “freeze” and the stage FADES TO BLACK. A SPOTLIGHT POPS on the HUSBAND and WIFE, who “unfreeze” and take positions in the “interview” chairs. They’re a fun-loving couple in their late 50’s/early 60’s, but unassuming – not the typical “party” couple. Both are holding drinks.)

WIFE:
(To the “interviewer”.) Why are we here?

HUSBAND:
We’re new to this.

WIFE:
We’re not swingers.

HUSBAND:
Normally.

WIFE:
Normally we’re not.

HUSBAND:
I was talking to my buddy at work and he mentions this couple he knows – the guy’s his cousin – who’ve attended a few swinger get-togethers…and they had a great time. So I mentioned this in passing to my wife – not letting on that I was mildly curious – and she tells me –

WIFE:
I tell him the thought of swinging crossed my mind a long time ago but I didn’t dare mention it to him. ‘Course we’ve done things – you know – but inviting another couple into our bed? Never.

HUSBAND:
We talked to other couples online who were involved in the swinger lifestyle.

WIFE:
Eventually we were invited to some parties, which were really a lot of fun. All the food –

HUSBAND:
– and drinks.

WIFE:
Anything you wanted to drink. Food, drinks, music – it was like being at a luau in Hawaii. (To HUSBAND.) Wasn’t it?

HUSBAND:
Yep. Everyone was friendly. Like hanging out with your neighbors. Regular people.

WIFE:
They were all very neighborly. We mingled, got to know people, then groups of couples –

HUSBAND:
Foursomes are what they call them.

WIFE:
Yes. You go off on your own and the discussions become more intimate…

HUSBAND:
‘What experiences have you had with swinging?’. ‘What do you like or dislike sexually?’. ‘What are you looking for in other swingers?’.

WIFE:
And then at some point you just…swap partners. Like a first date…sorta.

HUSBAND:
It was a little awkward at first for both of us.

WIFE:
‘Course it was.

Stephen Prosser is a devout Catholic and deacon, respected family therapist, and loving husband and father who has been struggling with aspects of his faith. Stephen confronts his mentor, Father Benjamin Vox, when he discovers that Father Benjamin and the Catholic Church are involved in a cover-up that, if made public, could confirm that Jesus was not the Son of God.  Stephen wrestles with the moral and ethical questions raised by the cover-up. With the church seemingly confirming some of Stephen’s religious doubts with the discovery of this letter, should Stephen feel justified – confident in his questioning of Christianity? Or will this revelation somehow provide Stephen with the strength to reaffirm his faith in God? And, will Stephen tell the press what he knows? Full-length, drama (6M, 4W, 1 VO doublecast)

*  Premiere stage reading at the Urban Theater Project of Iowa in May 2004.

*  Finalist in the Dayton Playhouse Futurefest 2004.

*  Semi-finalist in the Wagner College 2004 Stanley Drama Award competition in New York.

*  Honorable Mention in the 73rd Annual Writer’s Digest Writing Competition/2004.

the Golgotha crux.
a play in two acts
by jeffrey james ircink

© Copyright 2003, Jeffrey James Ircink

LC: Pau-2-758-362

6405 blossom ct.
greendale, wi 53129
c: (262) 806-2808
jeffbumbershoot43@gmail.com

January 2005

SETTING
Any town in the United States.

TIME
The present.

Character breakdown

STEPHEN PROSSER – 43, family therapist and church deacon, devout Catholic, an “Everyman”; hasn’t really gotten over the death of his daughter, Shelby – he “talks” to her; he has a dry sense of humor and a positive outlook on life; moderate

FATHER BENJAMIN VOX – 74, head pastor at St. Dominic’s Church, friendly, warm, intelligent, kindly – like your grandfather – but deceptively pious when it comes to being a priest; conservative

VANESSA PROSSER – 43, Stephen’s wife, has a MBA, but has taken time off to raise their child; a once practicing Catholic, she has shunned organized religion, largely because of the death of her daughter; attractive, independent, blunt – but emotional and caring, liberal

SHELBY PROSSER – 6, she died two years prior and appears only as a figment of Stephen’s imagination, as cute as a button – and knows it, intelligent beyond her years, takes after her mother

CHRISTOPHER PROSSER – 7, your average boy, inquisitive, remembers some things about his sister, but doesn’t talk about her much

ALEC WINSTON – 20, college student, has been a patient of Stephen’s for a year or so; very intelligent, reserved, not a big sense of humor, but can be funny and playful in a sarcastic way

RICHARD YOUST – 45, comical, verbose
JUDY YOUST – 48, loud, opinionated
ROBERT WESTON – 52, stoic, intelligent, dry
EVELYN WESTON – 45, quiet, reserved
(NOTE: Double-cast the following character from the four characters above.)
ROSE – Stephen’s secretary (V.O.)

act I

scene i Sunday morning. St. Dominic’s Church.
scene ii Early Sunday morning. One week later. Prosser home.
scene iii Monday morning. Stephen Prosser’s office.
scene iv Wednesday morning. Father Benjamin’s office.
scene v Monday evening. Prosser home.
scene vi Tuesday morning. One week later. Stephen Prosser’s office.
scene vii Early Wednesday evening. Father Benjamin’s office.
scene viii Wednesday evening. Later that evening. Prosser home.
scene ix Friday. Stephen’s office.
scene x Saturday evening. Prosser home.
scene xi Saturday evening. One week later. Father Benjamin’s office.

act II
scene i Later that same Saturday evening. Prosser home.
scene i i Monday evening. Prosser home.
scene iii Saturday. Early morning. Prosser home.
scene iv Saturday. Late afternoon. St. Dominic’s Church.
scene v Saturday. Early evening. Prosser home.
scene vi Saturday. Late evening. Prosser home.
scene vii Saturday. Later that same evening. Prosser home.
scene viii Monday. Late morning. Stephen’s office.
scene ix Monday evening. Prosser home. Prosser home.
scene x Wednesday. Late morning. St. Dominic’s.
scene xi Friday. Early evening. Prosser home.

ACT I, SCENE I

(Sunday morning. St. Dominic’s Church. Spotlight POPS on an empty pulpit. Head pastor, Father Benjamin Vox, 74, enters from stage right and delivers his sermon.)

FATHER BEN

When Jesus came into the district of Caesari a Phillippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do men say the Son of God is?” And they said, “Some say John the Baptist, others say Eli jah, and others Jeremiah or one of the prophets.” He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?” Simon Peter replied, “You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God.” And Jesus answered him, “Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jona! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven. And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church,

(Begin a SLOW FADE UP on Stephen Prosser’s bedroom.)

and the powers of death will not prevail against it.”

(Father Ben exits. FADE TO BLACK.)

ACT I, SCENE II

(Early Sunday morning. One week later. Prosser home. Stephen Prosser, 43, is lying in bed. He is talking to his daughter, Shelby, 6. Shelby passed away two years earlier and is a figment of Stephen’s imagination. She is dressed in the same Sunday church outfit the entire play – a white dress and black buckle shoes.)

SHELBY

Daddy?

(Stephen doesn’t move. She shakes him.)

Daddy?

STEPHEN

I’m sleeping, baby.

SHELBY

(Placing her shoes and socks on the bed.)

I need help buckling my shoes.

STEPHEN

(Stephen opens one eye and glances at the clock on the nightstand.)

Shelby, why are you up and dressed at six in the morning?

SHELBY

Because it’s your first day at being a deacon.

STEPHEN

That’s not for a few hours yet, OK? Go back to bed.

SHELBY

But I don’t want you to be late.

STEPHEN

(Shelby tugs on the covers and Stephen reluctantly gets up.)

Remind me again, Shelby, that it’s the weekend.

SHELBY

It’s the weekend, Daddy.

STEPHEN

Thanks.

(Noticing Vanessa’s not in bed.)

Where’s your mother?

SHELBY

I dunno.

STEPHEN

(Lifting her onto the bed.)

Alright…let me see what you’ve got there.

SHELBY

My socks, first.

STEPHEN

Socks first. Right.

SHELBY

Daddy are you going to pray for me in church today?

STEPHEN

I pray for you everyday, baby. How about me? Daddy’s need prayers said for them, too, you know.

SHELBY

I know. I always pray for you, Daddy.

VANESSA

(Off-stage. Vanessa Prosser, 43, yells from downstairs.)

Stephen?!

STEPHEN

(To Vanessa.)

Vanessa!?

VANESSA

STEPHEN

(To Vanessa.)

I am now!

(To Shelby.)

Aren’t I, baby?

VANESSA

STEPHEN

(Pause.)

Am I the only person who wants to sleep in this morning?

SHELBY

I don’t know.

STEPHEN

I was talking to myself, baby. It’s called a rhetor – forget it.

(To Vanessa.)

Who was it?!

VANESSA

Benjamin!

STEPHEN

Benjamin who?!

VANESSA

Benjamin from St. Dominic’s! How many Benjamin’s do you know?!

STEPHEN

(To Shelby.)

I know two.

(To Vanessa.)

What did he want?!

VANESSA

He wanted to wish you luck this morning! You know, if you’d get outta bed and come down here we wouldn’t have to shout like this!

STEPHEN

(To Shelby.)

Really?

(To Vanessa.)

OK!

VANESSA

What!

STEPHEN

(Ignoring Vanessa.)

Where were we?

(Finishes with one shoe.)

How does that feel?

(Shelby doesn’t answer.)

You can answer that question.

SHELBY

(Pause.)

I like going to church, Daddy.

STEPHEN

(Putting on Shelby’s other shoe.)

I know you do, baby.

SHELBY

STEPHEN

Shelby, I see you in your white dress all the time.

(Pause.)

You know Father Ben’s away on a trip this week, so you won’t see him today.

SHELBY

I know.

(Pause.)

Do you think Mommy will come to church with us today?

STEPHEN

Shelby, you ask me that every Sunday, and every Sunday I tell you…

SHELBY

You tell me ‘Mommy’s busy. Maybe next Sunday’.

STEPHEN

Then why do you keep asking me?

SHELBY

If I keep asking, maybe she’ll come with us one day. Doesn’t she want to see what you do as a deacon?

STEPHEN

There’ll be plenty of chances for Mommy to see Daddy as a deacon.

(Giving her the once-over.)

You know, Father Benjamin’s right – you do look like a princess.

SHELBY

I know, Daddy.

(Shelby gives Stephen a hug and kiss, then exits. Stephen collapses back into bed. To suggest the passing of time – QUICK BLACKOUT and FADE UP lights on Christopher, 7, and Vanessa, who are finishing breakfast.)

STEPHEN

(Enters. Sarcastically.)

What a great morning not to sleep in.

CHRISTOPHER

Hi, Dad. Wanna hear about my dream?

STEPHEN

(Kisses Vanessa.)

So were you up at the crack of dawn, too?

VANESSA

(Motioning to Christopher.)

Morning. I didn’t have a choice.

(She brings Stephen’s coffee and breakfast to the table.)

Breakfast is hot.

STEPHEN

(He sits.)

Thanks.

VANESSA

you’ll get a kick out of it.

STEPHEN

So, sport…lay it on me.

CHRISTOPHER

I had a dream last night.

STEPHEN

I got that. What was it about?

CHRISTOPHER

I dreamt about Jesus.

STEPHEN

OK.

(To Vanessa.)

Doesn’t sound so frightening.

(To Christopher.)

And what was Jesus up to in your dream?

CHRISTOPHER

He wasn’t up to anything ‘cause he was nailed to the cross.

STEPHEN

(Pause.)

That’s an interesting image on a Sunday morning. You won’t be mad if I don’t press you for more details, will ya, sport?

CHRISTOPHER

Nope.

STEPHEN

You know…

CHRISTOPHER

Except that Jesus was laughing while he was on the cross – I forgot that part. Did you ever have a dream like that, Dad?

STEPHEN

No, I haven’t, Christopher, and I don’t think Jesus laughed when he was on the cross. Pass the jelly would you, Vanessa.

VANESSA

(She passes the jelly, glances at the clock, then grabs Stephen’s breakfast plate.)

You’re gonna be late.

STEPHEN

I just sat down.

(Christopher gets up and starts for the door.)

Hey, wait a second, sport! Come here.

(Christopher stops and walks back toward Stephen. With a dab of spit, Stephen presses down the hair that’s sticking up on Christopher’s head.)

STEPHEN

Let’s not have you go off to church looking like you just got out of bed, OK?

(Christopher nods.)

OK.

(Looking at Vanessa.)

What?

(Vanessa smiles as Christopher runs off. and hands Stephen a donut wrapped in a napkin and a “to-go” mug.)

CHRISTOPHER

(Off-stage.)

Come on, Dad!

STEPHEN

I’m coming!

VANESSA

You’ve got quite the sidekick there.

STEPHEN

Well, you know. Train’em when they’re young and they won’t know any different.

VANESSA

I think he’s as anxious as you are.

STEPHEN

Who said I was nervous?

VANESSA

I didn’t say you were nervous. I said you were anxious.

STEPHEN

(Puts his hand out.)

Look at that…cool as a cucumber.

(Stephen begins to exit, then hesitates.)

Last chance to come watch me set Catholicism back a hundred years.

VANESSA

I’m sure the church can figure out how to do that all by its lonesome.

STEPHEN

Yeh.

(Stephen exits. Vanessa walks to the sink. While her back is turned, Shelby runs past and out the door.)

SHELBY

Wait for me, Daddy!!

(Vanessa doesn’t notice Shelby. FADE TO BLACK.)

ACT I, SCENE III

(Monday morning. Stephen’s office. Stephen is talking to Alec Winston, 20, a college student and patient.)

ALEC

You seem preoccupied this morning, Dr. Prosser.

STEPHEN

I have a meeting with my board of review. I’m – anxious.

(Pause.)

So, Alec. What would you like to talk about today?

ALEC

Haven’t given it much thought. We could talk about the weekend?

STEPHEN

How was your weekend?

ALEC

Uneventful really. Studied mostly.

STEPHEN

OK.

ALEC

(Long pause.)

My car got towed last week.

(Stephen’s quiet.)

No parking zone.

STEPHEN

Shoulda read the signs.

ALEC

There weren’t any posted.

(Thinking.)

Huh. I can’t think of anything else that would constitute as a “highlight”, doctor.

STEPHEN

Everyone has a “highlight”, Alec. A proctologist has a highlight. You have a highlight.

ALEC

I’m alive?

STEPHEN

(Pause.)

See, you’re in the black already.

ALEC

(Pause.)

You know what, that’s OK. I’m starting to get used to the bad-things-happen-to-good-people routine.

STEPHEN

Need the name of a good guardian angel?

ALEC

You mean there are bad ones? I don’t think it would do me any good anyway.

STEPHEN

Got something against guardian angels?

ALEC

Just religion.

STEPHEN

(Pause.)

I see.

ALEC

Sort of a handy little thing to help tie up loose ends, isn’t it?

STEPHEN

Religion? Depends on what kind of loose ends you have in your life, Alec.

ALEC

None that concern religion. Besides, being an atheist sorta has a ring to it, don’t you think?

STEPHEN

How do your parents feel about this?

ALEC

Helpless, I suppose. We don’t discuss it much. I’m an adult. What can they do?

STEPHEN

Well, since we seem to be at a standstill as to what to talk about, why don’t we talk about your lack of a faith?

ALEC

I didn’t know religion figured into your repertoire of counseling techniques.

STEPHEN

I guess I’m partial to the unconventional – as long as it works.

(Pause.)

Being an atheist is part of who you are, Alec. If discussing that aspect of your life helps our sessions, who’s the wiser?

ALEC

Wait a second.

(Pause.)

I’m hearing a faint chorus of “Shall We Gather at the River”.

STEPHEN

(Smiling.)

My job is to get people to talk about what’s troubling them, and it doesn’t sound like you’re troubled about your religious beliefs. But the choice you made – that’s a journey I’m interested in.

ALEC

STEPHEN

“Why” seems like a great place to start.

ALEC

Why not?

(FADE TO BLACK.)

ACT I, SCENE IV

(Wednesday morning. Father Benjamin’s office. Stephen knocks on the door, then pokes his head in.)

FATHER BEN

Good morning, Stephen. This is a surprise.

STEPHEN

Morning, Father. I was in the neighborhood. Um-m…actually I thought we could talk, but I can come back if you’re busy.

FATHER BEN

Nonsense. Have a seat.

(Stephen enters and sits. Father Ben shuts the door and returns to his desk.)

STEPHEN

So how was your trip? Rome, wasn’t it?

FATHER BEN

Oh-h, it was wonderful. Have you ever been?

STEPHEN

No.

FATHER BEN

Do you know that after all these years of going to the Vatican, I finally tossed a coin into Trevi Fountain?

STEPHEN

You made a wish, right?

FATHER BEN

I did. And I’m still waiting for it to come true. So. What can I do for you, Stephen?

STEPHEN

(He fumbles for the right words, yet the words he chooses are spoken slowly and deliberately.)

Father…do you ever – have you ever questioned…I mean, really questioned your faith?

FATHER BEN

I question God every day, Stephen. Even the most pious and zealous Christians question their faith.

STEPHEN

And that doesn’t bother you?

FATHER BEN

Not really. When you spend as much time as I do engrossed in the scripture, religious history and doctrine – the business of religion – one is bound to find discrepancies in philosophy and teachings that lead you to ask “why?”.

(Pause.)

I might be able to answer your question better if I knew what it is you’re questioning.

STEPHEN

I’m not exactly sure.

(Pause.)

I guess I don’t feel like I trust God the way I used to – you know, that I’m expected to blindly put my faith in him ‘cause he’s got all the answers. Look at the world, Father – people are starving and killing each other…there’s suffering, disease, children – not even being given a chance to experience life.

(Pause.)

Have you ever thought – what if religion is some fantasy that the church perpetuates to keep us in check? The whole concept of Christianity isn’t rational thought, Father – you do understand that? I mean if I were to wake up tomorrow and tell the world I communicate with God through my electric shaver, people would think I was nuts. But to believe in one, supreme being whose son was born of a virgin birth, turned water into wine, raised dead people, ascended into heaven – that’s perfectly acceptable behavior. And if you don’t believe that, then you’re nuts.

FATHER BEN

(Thinking.)

That’s a lot for one man to have on his plate.

STEPHEN

FATHER BEN

I see that. You know, Stephen, questioning God’s motives is vastly different than questioning his existence.

STEPHEN

I believe God exists.

FATHER

There – we’ve put one question to rest.

(Pause.)

Have you felt this way before? To the extent that it’s bothering you this much?

STEPHEN

(Pause.)

No.

(Pause.)

When my father died – I was 26, and…that was a rough time for me. He’d been sick for a while, so we knew, you know, that it wouldn’t be too long…but you’re never really prepared…ah-h, to deal with him…dying. I went to see him in the hospital – toward the end, and I was looking at him and boom – my entire life spent with my father flashed in front of my eyes. Hunting and fishing, dad playing his guitar, working in the yard – my parents together. We talked for a bit and at one point he came right out and said, ‘Stephen, I need to know that you’re OK with me letting go. I’m ready to be with Grandma and Grandpa. I’m ready to be with God.’ I didn’t know what to say. I stood there – my eyes welled up, and suddenly I blurted out, ‘You’re gonna fight this – you can beat this if you’d only try! Please, Dad. Please, try!’ He said, ‘I can’t, Stephen. I’m tired. It’s my time’, and I yelled, ‘I don’t care! I can’t let you go, not like this! Look at all the things we haven’t done! Do you hear me?! Please hang on, Dad! Please!’ I hugged him so hard – I was afraid to let go. I gave him a kiss on his cheek and whispered into his ear, ‘I can’t let you go, Dad…not like this’. I was crying and I ran out. He died an hour later.

(Pause.)

FATHER BEN

But you returned to your faith.

STEPHEN

It took a while, but yeh.

FATHER BEN

And things at home are…

STEPHEN

Fine.

FATHER BEN

I know you don’t like to talk about it, but Vanessa’s faith – it’s been shaken terribly. Could that have some bearing on this uncertainty your feeling?

STEPHEN

Shaken? Father, she has no faith.

FATHER BEN

You’ve managed to weather that crisis rather well…considering.

STEPHEN

It’s…a – I’m still weathering it.

FATHER

How are things at work? Dealing with people’s unpleasantries day after day…maybe that has something to do with the way you’re feeling.

STEPHEN

My job.

(Pause.)

Lots of lost souls whose therapist’s tolerance and understanding isn’t what it used to be.

FATHER BEN

You sound disenchanted.

STEPHEN

I don’t enjoy my work like I used to. I used to enjoy listening to perfect strangers’ problems and offering my analysis. Now I – it feels like I’m going through the motions.

(Stephen snickers to himself.)

FATHER BEN

What’s that?

STEPHEN

Oh, I was just thinking that the highlight of my job is when I see this kid – a patient of mine. We stumbled on the topic of religion during one of our sessions and he informed me that he’s an atheist. I saw that revelation as some psychological nugget – whatever, and pursued it and whenever we talk about religion, regardless of what Christian spin I try to put on what he says, his logic makes more sense than anything I’ve ever believed.

(Pause.)

I try to pray –

(Pause.) – but I don’t understand why I’m praying. I mean even when I dream about religion – I don’t see things the way I used to, the way I’m supposed to. And it’s the same dream, over and over and over again.

FATHER BEN

Well now you’ve piqued my interest.

STEPHEN

In my dream?

FATHER BEN

I’d like to hear about it. If you don’t mind.

STEPHEN

(Hesitant.)

Well…

(Then reflecting – taking his time.) …um-m, the dream is about the crucifixion. I’m standing outside, with all these people at Calvary, Golgotha, however you wanna refer to the place where Jesus was crucified. It’s pouring. The puddles have puddles. It’s dark out…you can’t tell where the sky ends and the earth begins. The people standing around me, sobbing in the mud…they’re just silhouettes. I can’t make out anyone’s face. No one’s talking. And I’m waiting for this big…ta-da, you know? I’m waiting for Jesus to reveal himself while he’s nailed on the cross – something poignant ‘cause…that’s what he does, right? So I wait. There’s nothing. I wait a little longer. Quiet. Just the rain and sobbing. And I’m like, ‘come on, Son of God…the spotlight’s on you’, and then…he starts laughing, and this sadness I’m overcome with turns to – well, I’m not sure; all I know is I’m feeling creepy all of a sudden. And then Jesus says, ‘Why are you people wasting your time in the rain mourning me? I’m not the Son of God! Go! I can’t save you or myself! You are all going to die, just like me!’. The rain stops. The sobbing stops. And Jesus dies. There’s no angels blaring trumpets or heavenly hosts. The ground doesn’t shake. There’s no ascension into heaven. This man is dead – forever.

(Pause.)

Not a popular version for Sunday morning sermons is it, Father?

FATHER BEN

STEPHEN

(Thinking.)

I really don’t think I wanna know. What I do know is that Christopher’s had the same dream and any psychologist will tell you that that’s…unusual.

FATHER BEN

(Thinking.)

Well for starters, I’d suggest doing something to stimulate the religious aspect of your life – take a retreat, read scripture, pray.

(Pause.)

Now this patient of yours – is he an atheist lauding atheism, or an atheist with some void in his life searching for direction? More and more people are turning back to religion these days. He may feel uncomfortable discussing this with his parents and he’s looking to you for spiritual counseling.

STEPHEN

FATHER BEN

Have faith, Stephen. The answers will come to you – along with God’s comfort and blessings. You know, the way in which you help this patient of yours may, in turn, be the same thing that helps you.

STEPHEN

Maybe.

(Looking at his watch.)

I, ah – I should go, Father. Thanks…for listening.

FATHER BEN

That’s what we do, isn’t it?

STEPHEN

Yes we do. Goodbye.

(Stephen exits. FADE TO BLACK.)

ACT I, SCENE V

(Monday evening. Prosser home. The Prosser’s have just sat down to dinner. Shelby’s back is facing the audience.)

STEPHEN

Shall we say “Grace”?

VANESSA

(Looking around.)

I forgot the peas.

(She heads into the kitchen.)

ALL

“Bless us, oh Lord, and these our gifts, for which we are about to receive, from thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen.”

STEPHEN

So how was your day, Christopher?

VANESSA

(Re-enters with peas.)

Tell your father what happened at school.

CHRISTOPHER

VANESSA

I meant tell your father what you did in school today.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh. Um-m…first, we checked our homework from yesterday. I got three stars. Then we finger-painted leaves falling off the trees. Mrs. Weirs read us a story, and, let’s see…we ate lunch, took our nap, and that’s when Tommy Shuck farted.

VANESSA

Christopher.

CHRISTOPHER

I don’t think he knew he farted though ‘cause he was asleep.

STEPHEN

So, did someone tell Tommy he –

VANESSA

Now that we’ve covered the day’s important events – Stephen, anything exciting happen at the office today?

STEPHEN

Nothing out of the ordinary, though I did have an interesting discussion with a patient – a college student – I’ve been counseling for a year or so.

(Glancing at Vanessa.)

He informed me out of the blue that he doesn’t have a faith either.

VANESSA

Yeh…there are a few of “those” people around. You didn’t give the poor kid the third degree, did you?

STEPHEN

No-o, I didn’t give the poor kid the third degree. We talked about it though. That’s what his parent’s are paying me for.

VANESSA

To talk about why their child’s an atheist?

STEPHEN

I don’t pick the topics of conversation, Vanessa. I just listen.

CHRISTOPHER

What does “atheist” mean?

STEPHEN

(Quick look to Vanessa.)

Ah-h…well, an atheist is a person who doesn’t believe in God.

CHRISTOPHER

Like the devil?

STEPHEN

Not quite. The devil believes in God – he just doesn’t like God’s work. The devil used to be one of God’s angels, did you know that?

VANESSA

Stephen…

STEPHEN

Yeh, he was. So…

CHRISTOPHER

How does an angel become a devil?

VANESSA

Christopher, eat your food, please.

STEPHEN

Hm-m. That’s a tough one, sport. Um. If you’re an angel, and you disobey God…then he sends you to a place where all the bad people go. It’s not common for one of God’s angels to act naughty though.

CHRISTOPHER

Could I ever become a devil?

STEPHEN

You already are, sport.

CHRISTOPHER

Did you try on your Halloween costume yet?

STEPHEN

(Not happy.)

I will, don’t worry.

Earth of the future is a planet with an increased intolerance for cigarette smoking. The world’s governments have banned together to offer large cash bounties to individuals who quit smoking cigarettes and related products (i.e. cigars, pipes, smokeless tobacco, etc.). These operations are carried out exclusively by the world government-sponsored agency, SPONGE (Council for Society’s Prohibition and Obliteration of Nicotine through Growth in Efficient Living), headed up by “The Chairman”. SPONGE’s rigorous campaign to wipe out nicotine worldwide hinges on, of course, the cash bounty, but also a tiny sensor chip planted into the arm of the ex-smoker to monitor any nicotine intake. Any breach in the sensor chip security and the perpetrator must return the cash bounty – in full – and is sent to a rehab clinic where he or she is forced to kick their nicotine habit forever.

Whether it’s his buddies – ex-smokers Patrick and Stu – or The Chairman, everyone wants Stan to kick the habit. Everyone except Stan. Perhaps a private tête-à-tête with The Chairman will change the last smoker’s mind. Or will it?
Full-length, dark comedy (4M, 1W, 5 misc. roles doublecast)

*  Premiere stage reading at the Urban Theater Project of Iowa in May 2005.
*  Published by Heuer Publishing Co. in August 2006.
*  Featured full-length play in an evening of staged readings at The Stray Dawg Theatre Company in Belfast, Ireland, April 2006.
*  Reading at Manhattan Theatre Source/Bleeker Street Irregulars Theatre Company, Greenwich Village, New York City, May 2007.

“You have written a strong play with a simple, but imaginative concept…the world you have created is challenging and gripping and the characters are beautifully depicted…an engaging play with a captivating premise.” – Jessica Corn, Trinity Repertory Company, Providence, RI

“It’s very funny, the dialogue has a great natural feel and good pace. I enjoyed reading it.” – Jenny Larson, Literary Manager Salvage Vanguard Theatre, Austin, TX

“Brilliant! I love the sleezy SPONGE spokeswoman concept – the temptress. Great addition…The premise is fascinating.” – Geri Albrecht, Editor-in-Chief/Heuer Publishing

“I love ‘Stan’s Addiction’. The characters are interesting and funny, the humor is smart, the dialogue is rhythmic and engaging, and the subject matter is immediately relevant without dating itself out of future productions…What’s more, by treating the issue with humor, he is inviting the audience to participate in the debate in a non-threatening and terrifically accessible way.” – Leslie Charipar, Artistic Director/Urban Theater Project of Iowa

“The smoking thing is very topical at the minute…There’s a real Big Brother aspect to it.” – Sean Paul O’Rawe, director/Stray Dawg Theatre, Belfast, Ireland

For copies of this play and royalty information, contact HEUER PUBLISHING CO.

STAN’S ADDICTION

A Play in Two Acts
by
Jeffrey James Ircink

© Copyright 2004, Jeffrey James Ircink
LC: Pau3-041-776
6405 blossom ct.
greendale, wi 53129
c: (262) 806-2808
jeffbumbershoot43@gmail.com
www.jeffircink.blogspot.com
Published by: Heuer Publishing LLC
1-800-950-7529
www.hitplays.com
May 2007

Cast of Characters

STAN RANIK: 36, the last smoker on the planet; self-assured, charming and passionate; dry, sarcastic sense of humor; works in sales; regularly meets with friends, PATRICK and STU, for coffee at a local café; the most “normal” of the three.

PATRICK: 37, STAN’S friend, has known STAN for twenty years, ex-smoker, opinionated, very aggressive personality – pushy and in-your-face; uses profanity when he gets excited or angry, somewhat eccentric.

STU: 41, STAN’S friend, ex-smoker; more eccentric than PATRICK, yet comes across seemingly normal; very kind and caring; passive and more of a follower while in the company of others.

AUBREY SMITH: 34, STAN’S girlfriend, lingerie/swimsuit model turned hand model – confident and independent but with a hidden vulnerability, can appear standoffish at first-glance; witty, a woman who can take care of herself.

THE CHAIRMAN: 60, head of SPONGE, a gentleman – charismatic, ability to get down to anyone’s level, conniving, arrogant and self-righteous; he will do anything to further his agenda.

VOICES #1 – #4: Double cast from THE CHAIRMAN, STU, PATRICK and AUBREY. They wear see-thru masks to cover their identity. They are motionless, but the articulation in their voices is animated and real.

WAITER: Non-speaking role.

ANNOUNCER (VO): A female voice heard on a loudspeaker. Proper British accent. She is a tool of propaganda for SPONGE. Calming, soothing, inviting and sexy with a hint of playfulness. Should be voiced by AUBREY – as it turns out, they are one in the same.

SCENE:
New York City.

TIME:
The future.

Act I

scene i Monday morning. The café.
scene ii Thursday evening. The grocery store.
scene iii Monday morning. The café.
scene iv Wednesday evening. Aubrey’s home.
scene v Thursday evening. One week later. CO-Op meeting.

Act II

scene i Friday morning. The Chairman’s office.
scene ii Friday. Late afternoon. The Chairman’s office.
scene iii Thursday morning. One month later. The café.

Author’s notes:
Though this play concerns itself with the last smoker on the planet, the lack of smoking in any of the scenes is not without cause – for two reasons. First, the concept of a play about a smoker you don’t see smoke is intriguing. Secondly, as STAN is the only smoker in the world, the lack of smoking in all scenes reflects the reality of life on Earth in the future.

Keeping this in mind, I have used a staging technique to better illustrate the world STAN RANIK lives in and, with that, a clarification of the terms I am using is essential. “Set” and “scene” will be used interchangeably. As the LIGHTS FADE UP at the beginning of each scene, the actors will be in place – “in character”…minus STAN, who will be strategically placed at various points “on stage” having a cigarette – but outside the actual “set”/”scene” (“set” being the technical term and “scene” being the theatrical term). As the LIGHTS continue to FADE UP, STAN finishes his cigarette and whatever he is doing as noted in the stage directions, and makes his way to his starting position of that particular scene. By the time the lights reach their maximum level, STAN will be in place and the scene will begin.

This device helps to remind the audience that STAN is, in fact, the last smoker and reinforces the loneliness he feels in a world where he is ostracized for being a smoker.

ACT I, SCENE I

(Monday morning. The café. The only light comes from the burning end of cigarette off-stage. SPOTLIGHT FADES UP to reveal STAN RANIK standing on-stage, but out of the scene, smoking a cigarette. A 2nd set of LIGHTS FADE UP to reveal PATRICK and STU, who are sitting at an outdoor café having coffee. The actors are “in character” – each sucking on a Tootsie Roll Pop® and reading a newspaper. The ANNOUNCER’S voice is heard over a loudspeaker as STAN finishes his cigarette, and makes his way to his starting position.)

ANNOUNCER
“Good morning, Humanity. Kunegunda (PRONOUNCED, “COON-E-GOONDA”), here – the voice of SPONGE. Well, the count is now at two. Only two Citizens left until planet Earth is smoke-free. We’ve made great strides here at SPONGE in our efforts to reinvigorate our world for you, your children and future generations.

And for you last two smokers out there – isn’t it time you united with the rest of the world in our quest for a better Planet Earth? We’re waiting for you.”

(As lights reach their maximum level, STAN is in place with PATRICK and STU, and the scene begins.)

STU
(His head in the paper.)
Paper says it’s supposed to be hot the rest of the week into next week.

PATRICK
(His head in the paper, fiddling with a pencil. Matter-of-factly.)
Hard work – being a weatherman. Stick your head out the window and say, ‘it’s hot’, ‘it’s cold’, ‘it’s raining’, ‘it’s snowing’. Stick your head out the window every ten minutes for your updates, and there you go – you’re a weatherman.

STU
I think there’s a little more to it then that, Patrick.

PATRICK
(Looks up from his paper.)
Well…I suppose there is that whole “lingo” thing.

STU
(Beat)
Yeh – the lingo thing.

PATRICK
You have to have a firm grasp of the lingo – jargon, vernacular – however you wanna refer to it. That’s the gist of what being a weatherman’s all about.

STU
Yep.

PATRICK
It’s certainly not about the weather…or your knowledge of the weather, for that matter. It’s all about the lingo.

STU
I’m aware of the lingo, Patrick.

PATRICK
Are you?
(Beat)
Nor’eastern.

STU
I don’t wanna get into this with you right now.

PATRICK
Nor’eastern.

STU
(Thinking.)
High pressure ridge.

PATRICK
You’re kidding me, right?

STU
You have a problem with “high pressure ridge”?

PATRICK
My kid can do better than that.

STU
Well if you think you – or your kid – can do better why don’t you both become weathermen?

PATRICK
‘Cause I don’t wanna become a weatherman, Stu. And Christopher’s only five – he wants to become a fireman.
(Thinking.)
Dew Point.

STU
Greenhouse effect.

PATRICK
Ozone layer.

STU
(Beat)
Rogue clouds.

PATRICK
Doppler radar.

STU
Coastal eddy.
(To STAN.)
That’s my personal favorite.

PATRICK
Squall line.

STU
(Long pause.)
Chilblain.

PATRICK
(Beat)
What the fuck is a chilblain?

STU
It’s an old Middle English term meaning, “cold swelling”. It refers to the distress of the skin due to extreme cold.

PATRICK
“Old Middle English”?

STU
It makes me more marketable.

PATRICK
Marketable for what?

STU
If I ever decide to go into weather forecasting.

PATRICK
You mean meteorology?

STU
No-o…that sounds too complicated. Weather forecasting is what I’m interested in.

PATRICK
Good. So now you can forecast the weather from Sherwood Forest.

STU
It’d be easy enough. The weather in the British Isles is at a constant – a constant rain, a constant fog and a constant overcast.

PATRICK
And a constant blah, bla-blah, bla-blah. Don’t forget chilblain.

STU
That’s more of the effect of the weather, not a weather condition.

PATRICK
Right. Any other geographic Eden’s you fancy?

STU
(Thinking.)
Australia. Nepal would be interesting.

PATRICK
Nepal. And when were you planning to delve into this new career?

STU
I’m not sure. I’m simply preparing myself in case I decide to venture into that foray.

PATRICK
Like your foray into the ham radio business?

(STU pulls a small pamphlet from his pant pocket and throws it on the table.)

STU
I have never lost my interest in the ham radio business, thank you!

PATRICK
(Reading from the pamphlet.)
The Wonderful World of Ham Radio: Your Guide to the Fascinating Ways Hams Communicate©. My mistake.

(Glancing away from his newspaper, STAN throws a couple of stir straws at PATRICK and STU.)

STAN
Hey…Radio Free U.S. calling Friar Tuck and Little John. Enough with the weather bullshit, alright? I’m trying to read.

PATRICK
You made the paper again, Stan.

STAN
I saw. I wish they’d give me a more interesting moniker. “Sales executive from the U.S.” – it’s got no punch.

PATRICK
You’re being particular for someone who appreciates anonymity, aren’t you?

STU
Did they up the smoking bounty again?

PATRICK
Yeh, by 5%. That’s not all. That retired tobacco executive in Virginia – he dropped out. That leaves just two: you and that performance artist in Paris.
(Beat)
God, that is one, fucking ugly broad.
(Seeing that STAN’S confused.)
That’s the woman I’m always telling you looks like a guy.
(Beat)
You don’t remember.

STAN
I remember. I always thought “the guy” and “the broad” were two different people. So what do you hate – her or her act?

PATRICK
Both.

STU
For someone who hates her so much, you talk about her a lot.

PATRICK
I didn’t say I found her sexually unappealing.

STU
(To STAN.)
That’s because she performs in the nude.

STAN
You mean even though you find her repulsive you’d sleep with her?

PATRICK
(Without hesitation.)
Ah-h…yeh.
(Beat)
Look, I know she’s one of the last two smokers in the world. Big deal. Stan here’s one of the last two smokers in the world and the world could give two shits about him. No offense, Stan. I’m just saying that this chick – Eponine or Marie Antoinette or whatever the fuck her name is – has become something of a celebrity and I think it’s a crock because she’s an uppity, little bitch whose “act” sucks – and she looks like a guy.

STAN
Have you ever thought that perhaps it’s the ugly, French woman’s art that draws people to her?

PATRICK
Have you seen her act, Stan? She is her art.

STAN
Have you ever seen her act?

PATRICK
No, but I read about it in Playboy™.

STAN
(To STU.)
Did you tell him Playboy had text or did he figure that out on his own?

PATRICK
(Ignoring STAN.)
She pours Elmer’s™ glue all over herself, asks the audience to throw crap they find in their purses and pockets on stage and then rolls around in it. What the hell is that? And when she’s finished, she prances around the audience
like some fucking coked up Twyla Tharp, coercing people
into sticking dollar bills on her body.

STU
(Overlapping)
I think –

PATRICK
(Overlapping)
She’s quoted in all these pretentious art-house publications about how she suffers for her art and that she wouldn’t have to go through all this – whatever “this” is – if the world would just “get it”. Get what? That she’s a fuck’in dipshit? I got that!

STAN
You curse a lot when you get angry.

PATRICK
What about it?

STAN
Nothing. It just struck me, that’s all.

PATRICK
I don’t get angry that often – except when I read about that fucking French bitch.
(Beat)
All I’m saying is I don’t get all the hoo-ha, that’s all.

STAN
I think it’s pretty self-explanatory. The rest of the world gets its kicks out of seeing people like her plucked from
obscurity and thrown into the world of celebrity.
(To STU.)
Or the rest of the world just wants to bang her like Patrick.

STU
I think her art is a metaphor for how we need to take stock of our lives and shed all the meaningless minutia that weighs us down.
(Beat)
That’s just my opinion.

PATRICK
See – she’s already got Stewart sucked into her little scam.

STU
I didn’t get sucked in. I’m just a little more open-minded than you are, that’s all.

STAN
Atta boy, Stewart – always the diplomatic one.

STU
Hey-y…you’re the last man standing, Stan! I mean, the last MAN standing. As opposed to the very last person –

PATRICK
We know what you mean, Stu.

STU
Tobacco executive.
(Beat)
You couldn’t script that any better. I always thought it funny when that guy starting making the newspapers.

PATRICK
Everyone thought it was funny, Stu – he was a tobacco executive. So how long you figure on holding out, Stan?

STAN
Patrick, you ask me that every time someone bites on the government’s smoking incentive. I’m not “holding out”. I’m choosing not to participate.

PATRICK
Well how long you gonna “choose not to participate”?

STU
Yeh…you got some sort of plan or something?

PATRICK
You gotta have a plan.

STAN
I don’t gotta have anything.

PATRICK
No, you don’t. But how long do you think the government’s gonna sit around and watch you make a mockery of it’s program to improve the quality of life on earth? Stan, it’s not like we’re talking Greenpeace or PETA, here. You’re flaunting this whole smoking thing right in the U.S. government’s face. The very top.

STU
The world government’s face.

PATRICK
Yes. The United Nations’ face. That’s even worse.

STU
In SPONGE’s face.

PATRICK
The Chairman’s face.

STAN
What is it with that guy? The Chairman this. The Chairman that. ‘Oh-h, don’t wanna piss off The Chairman.’ ‘Bow to The Chairman – the monarch of the nicotine-free world.’

PATRICK
That’s because he is the monarch of the nicotine-free world.

STU
He’s the head of SPONGE.

PATRICK
Council for Society’s Prohibition and Obliteration of Nicotine through Growth in Efficient Living. Believe me, Stan, you don’t wanna fuck with those people – or The Chairman.

STAN
You guys talk about him like he’s the pope, for Christ’s sake.

PATRICK
For the Pope’s sake, I don’t think he’d make a good Chairman. Too pious. The Chairman is…he’s a conundrum.

STAN
Yeh, right.

STU
I heard he’s a real…what’s the word?

PATRICK
Prick?

STU
Yah. A real prick. Sits in a dark room. Doesn’t say much. A friend of mine told me he’s a member of MENSA. Uses telepathy to order his subordinates around.

PATRICK
Maybe that’s why he doesn’t say much.

STAN
I’m sure. Get any messages from The Chairman lately, Stu?

STU
Nope. Nothing.

STAN
Well, if ever had a face-to-face with The Chairman –

PATRICK
You would do what?

STAN
I don’t know but I’m sure I’d think of something.

PATRICK
Better be careful what you wish for, Stan. You’re one of only two smokers left – if I were The Chairman, I’d be thinking it’s time for the big guns, if you know what I mean.

STAN
Do I look scared?

PATRICK
I still say your flaunting’s getting you in deep shit.

STAN
What am I flaunting?! When have you ever heard me mock the government – or SPONGE, for that matter? When have you heard me do an interview on TV or seen me quoted in the paper? I’ve gone out of my way to avoid the spotlight. I was given an option and I decided against it. It’s not rocket science, Patrick.

STU
Did you know that there’s no such thing as a “rocket scientist”? There are aerospace engineers, chemical engineers, mechanical engineers, electrical engineers, chemists, physicists, and other people who work on the design and theory of rocket propulsion – but no rocket scientists.

STAN
(To PATRICK.)
Now you know why I smoke.

PATRICK
Stu? He’s a poor excuse.

STAN
Look who’s talking.

PATRICK
And that’s supposed to mean…

STAN
As soon as you got your greedy little hands on the government’s incentive cash you threw away a perfectly worthwhile life, do you realize that? You had a wonderful wife -

STU
Justine.

STAN
(Aside.)
Thank you, Stu.

PATRICK
We need to find you someone like Justine, Stan.

STU
With the personality of Justine.

PATRICK
She had a helluva personality. I wonder what she’s up to.

STAN
I’m quite capable of finding my own girlfriends, thank you and let me finish.
(Beat. To PATRICK.)
You quit your job in advertising – that was the job you had to have when we were in college, remember?

PATRICK
I never said I was gonna stay in advertising forever. Besides, it frees me up for other things.

STAN
Other things? Enlighten me with all your “irons in the fire”.

PATRICK
I have several, for your information. Won’t be long before you see a “new and improved Patrick”, thank you.
(Pause)
I don’t see you ripping Stu a new asshole. He doesn’t have a real job.

STU
I do to.

PATRICK
You collect scrap metal and sell it to recyclers. That’s not a job – it’s a…you’re a fucking tinker, for Christ’s sake.

STU
I prefer the word “traveller”

STAN
Except that you don’t travel.

STU
Exactly.

STAN
Will this “new and improved Patrick” be following a fitness regimen?

PATRICK
What’s that supposed to mean?

STAN
Just that you’ve gained, oh-h, I don’t know – maybe twenty pounds in the last two years?

PATRICK
Come on, Stan…it’s about how I feel inside – that’s what’s important.
(Beat)
Besides, I wear it well. Don’t I, Stu?

STU
You’ve always had that double chin.

PATRICK
I have not. You’re not exactly a rail.

STU
I never said I was.

PATRICK
So I’ve got a double chin. I’ll take a palates class. Other than that –

STAN
‘Other than that’ what? You have no job. Your wife left you. Your children won’t talk to you. And you’ve gotten fat.

PATRICK
But I’m wealthy. And my children will talk to me – as soon as I find out where Justine fled to.

STU
And I’m wealthy. Lotta wealthy folk running around the world today because of the government, Stan.

STAN
There’s a switch.

PATRICK
You could have what we have, Stan.

STU
Yeh, Stan. If you just gave up smoking, you could be just like us.

STAN
Two, unemployed, divorced, fat men?

PATRICK
Wealthy…

STU
…unemployed, divorced fat men.

PATRICK
It’s not all that bad, Stanny. It’s healthier, for one. You get paid a lot of money to quit. And if you start having a nicotine fit, you throw a lollipop in your mouth. Work’s for Stewart and I, isn’t that right, Stewart?

STU
It do.

STAN
Has either of you considered what SPONGE has turned you into?

PATRICK
You lost me, Stan.

STAN
(Sets his paper down.)
You’re morons. All you guys do is sit around and talk about nothing and then expect me to take an interest in it. And if neither of you said a word – which wouldn’t be a bad thing – you’d be swept into a dustpan and thrown out with the garbage.

PATRICK
Name-calling will get you no –

STAN
(Abruptly.)
Stu here can recite the “Gettysburg Address” forwards and backwards while deliberating ad nauseum the premise that if Martin Luther King would’ve used that speech instead of his “I Have A Dream” speech, blacks would no longer be discriminated against because they would’ve, in fact, been freed – twice.
(Beat)
I have no idea what I just said.

STU
The point to that speech –

STAN
(Raising his hand to stop STU mid-sentence.)
But ask him to nail two pieces of wood together and he goes apeshit because he doesn’t know which piece of wood he should nail first.

STU
Like I’m the only one.

PATRICK
(Overlapping)
And me?

STAN
You’re a sarcastic, rude, know-it-all with a mouth like a sewer.
(Thinking.) ‘Course you’ve been a sarcastic, rude, know-it-all –

STU
(Interrupting.) – with a mouth like a sewer.

STAN
- for as long as I’ve known you, so I guess you always were a moron, Patrick.

(STAN goes back to reading his paper. STU starts rubbing his neck.)

PATRICK
Thanks for the sentiment, Stan.

STU
Patrick, my sensor chip’s starting to throb again.

PATRICK
(Matter-of-factly.)
It’ll go away, Stu. It always does.

STAN
There’s another thing. How long’s it been since the government said it would fix the kinks in that sensor chip, huh?

PATRICK
It’s being looked into.
(Beat)
Don’t you see how bitter your frustration has made you, Stan? If you’d just consider the government’s incentive program – I mean really considered it – you’d be a happier person. And nicer to Stewart and I.

STAN
I am nice to both of you – and no I wouldn’t.

PATRICK
Yes you would.

STAN
Nope.

PATRICK
Yep. You would.

STAN
Patrick –

PATRICK
Fine.

(PATRICK goes back to reading his paper.)

STAN
(Pause. Puts his paper down.)
All I’m saying is that I have reservations about a smoking incentive that, in the end, has an adverse effect on the very people it’s supposedly trying to help. You wanna quit? Quit on your own, without the government sticking it’s nose where it doesn’t belong. Be honest, Patrick – is the money really worth everything you’ve lost?
(Goes back to reading the paper.)
I’m not convinced.

PATRICK
You don’t have to be. Only I have to be.

STAN
That’s good. Keep kidding yourselves.

(Silence.)

STU
Aeolian sounds (PRONOUNCED, “E-OLIAN”). (Pause. PATRICK and STAN put their papers down and stare at STU.)
They’re the sounds produced by the action or effect of the wind…like the humming of wires, the whispering of pine trees or the rustle of leaves down the sidewalk. That’s my favorite weather word. Aeolian sounds.

PATRICK
I thought Aeolians were the Greek peoples that settled the island of Lesbos?

STU
They were. I said Aeolian sounds, not Aeolians.

PATRICK
Uh-huh.

(STAN and PATRICK go back to reading their papers. Pause.)

STU
I also like the word, giblets (PRONOUNCED, “JIBLETS”). Or is it, giblets (PRONOUNCED, “GIBLETS”)?
(Beat)
Ever notice how words start to sound different when you say them repetitiously? Jiblets. Jiblets. Jiblets. Jiblets. Jiblets. Jiblets. It sounds different to me.
(Beat)
Or like the word, gefilte fish (PRONOUNCED, “GE-FEL-TA”). It’s Yiddish for a Jewish fish dish. All you gotta do is say the word and you sound like an old Jewish guy. Gefilte fish. Old Jewish guy, right? Say it with me. Gefilte fish. Come on.

STAN
Promise to shut up if we do?

STU
Yeh.

(STAN and PATRICK look at each other, then put their papers down.)

ALL
Gefilte fish.

STU
(SLOW FADE on lights.)
See. We sound like three old Jewish guys.
(STAN and PATRICK go back to reading their papers. Pause.)
Jiblets. Jiblets. Jiblets.
(Pause)
Giblets.
(Beat)
Giblets. Jiblets. Giblets. Jiblets. Gefilte fish. Gefilte fish. Gefilte fish…

(BLACKOUT.)

ACT I, SCENE II

(Thursday evening. The grocery store. LIGHTS FADE UP. A woman is picking through vegetables in the produce section. STAN enters the scene and grabs a small shopping basket on the way in. When the lights reach their maximum level, STAN is in place – browsing in the produce section. He notices the woman and approaches her.)

STAN
You know – that’s kohlrabi (PRONOUNCED, “KUL-A-ROB-E”).
That vegetable you’re holding.

AUBREY
That’s nice.

(She continues down the aisle.)

STAN
Hold up a second. Hold on. You’re supposed to say, “what’s that?”

AUBREY
I said, ‘that’s nice’. Why would I say, ‘what’s that?’?

STAN
I don’t know. ‘Cause you looked…confused?

AUBREY
(Holding up the kohlrabi.)
Fine. “What’s that?’.

STAN
It’s a vegetable in the cabbage family.

AUBREY
Aren’t the cabbage excited. What does it taste like?

STAN
It tastes like, um…huh. I’m not exactly sure how to describe the it. I know it’s nothing like chicken though.

AUBREY
OK.

STAN
Personally, I like to eat it raw, with veggie dip…and salt. Or you can cook it like you would cauliflower, throw it in a salad – however you like. I spent a lot of time as a kid on my grandparent’s farm. I know these things.

AUBREY
Any other vegetable recommendations?

STAN
I’m thinking.

AUBREY
Well…thanks.

(She drops the kohlrabi in her cart, smiles and continues down the aisle. STAN runs after her.)

STAN
So…you…come here often?

AUBREY
If I were you, I’d stick with the vegetable schtick.

(STAN grabs a rutabaga.)

STAN
How ‘bout a rutabaga?

AUBREY
No thanks.
(She continues down the aisle.)
You still here?

STAN
Hadn’t planned on going anywhere. You?

AUBREY
Got a name or should I just call you “rutabaga man”?

STAN
(STAN tosses the rutabaga into AUBREY’S cart and holds out his hand.)
Stan.

Joshua’s older brother, Eric, is devoted to Joshua. Having taken a year off his senior year in college to help at home after his father left, Eric’s resentment toward his father’s abrupt departure is deep-seated, though he hides his hatred by immersing himself in his work.

As Joshua’s 21th birthday nears, Doris decides to throw a surprise party – and invites Joshua’s father, Roger. What ensues is a birthday party unlike any birthday you’ve ever attended…and Joshua Cinrik is about to celebrate his 21st birthday on his terms – warts and all.
Full-length, drama (4M, 1W)

NEW! Emerging Playwright’s Reading Series, BITE Theatre, Spring 2011

“I read the play on a jet to Kansas City and loved it. I think DS is represented very well.” – Gail Williamson, President, Down Syndrome Association of Los Angeles.

“…very engaging, and the way you handle the interactions between people with mental handicaps and those around them was quite intriguing…” – Timothy O’Neal, Westport Playhouse, Connecticut.

“Outstanding.” – Ed Hale, personal friend in Wisconsin whose son has Down Syndrome.

CHROMOSOME 21

A Play in Two Acts
by
Jeffrey James Ircink

© Copyright 2005, Jeffrey James Ircink
6405 blossom ct.
greendale, wi 53129
c: (262) 806-2808
jeffbumbershoot43@gmail.com
irc_64@hotmail.com
http://jeffircink.blogspot.com

Cast of Characters

JOSHUA CINRIK: 20 – JOSHUA has Down Syndrome (DS) and ranks in the middle tier as it relates to his intelligence, motor skills, hearing, vision, etc. He works full-time at Wal-Mart and lives at home with his mother, DORIS. He loves to play the guitar and sing and has quite the imagination. When he is alone with DEL-REY, he appears “normal” – void of any of the characteristics associated with Down Syndrome.

DORIS CINRIK: 57 – JOSHUA’S mother – DORIS has raised JOSHUA and ERIC by herself for 11 years, while holding down a full-time job as a ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­false teeth ceramist. She’s a busy-body, very down-to-earth and blunt. She draws a fine line between doting on JOSHUA and recognizing his independence (think ANGELA LANDSBURY in the movie, “Blue Hawaii”).

ERIC CINRIK: 31 – JOSHUA’S brother – ERIC is the creative director for an advertising agency. ERIC and JOSHUA are very close and he is extremely protective of JOSHUA, working hard to treat JOSHUA as if he had no disability. ERIC is resentful that his father abandoned the family, not only because he lost his father, but also because he was forced into a position of taking care of his family while he was in college. Has a sarcastic sense of humor and is an avid triathlete (think JAMES SPADER).

ROGER CINRIK: 59 – JOSHUA’S father – ROGER is a professional guitarist whose bohemian lifestyle caused him to be on the road throughout much of his marriage. His inability to cope with the responsibilities of raising a child with DS – and his traveling – took its toll and he abandoned his family when JOSHUA was 10. He’s never really been able to shed the guilt and has finally gathered the courage to go home and face his demons. Big in stature – salt-of-the-earth, simple. quiet man (think SAM ELLIOT or JAMES GAMMON).

DEL-REY: 50-70 – JOSHUA’S make-believe friend; a rotund, black man-of-the-streets who plays blues guitar and acts as a mentor to JOSHUA. DEL-REY appears only when JOSHUA is alone, though he sometimes makes his presence known by quietly sitting in the corner and observing. (NOTE: If no African-American actor is available, you may substitute a Caucasian “blues man” from the South. “Rotund” is just a guideline.)

SCENE:
A Midwest town in the United States.

TIME:
The present.

(All scenes take place in the Cinrick home
unless otherwise noted.)

Act I

scene i Sunday evening.
Scene ii Monday morning.
scene iii Monday. Later that morning. Wal~Mart.
scene iv Tuesday evening.
scene v Friday afternoon.
scene vi Saturday evening.

Act II

scene i Saturday evening.
scene ii Saturday evening.
scene iii The next day.

Author’s Note:
Joshua’s speech patterns and physical attributes will vary depending on to whom he’s talking. This is extremely important so that the audience can make the distinction between Joshua’s real world and the world his imagination creates. If Joshua can be heard by anyone other than Del-Rey, he speaks with a speech impediment. When he’s alone – speaking to Del-Rey – this is the state in which Joshua views and sees himself…a world where his is “just like everyone else”. Through the perfect world of his imagination, the audience has a deeper understanding of Joshua’s thought processes unencumbered by his DS.

There are instances where Del-Rey serves as a “witness” – observing events as they unfold – but only when Joshua is present. Del-Rey represents a “normal” Joshua, studying the “abnormal” events occurring within Joshua’s reality.

At various points in the play, JOSHUA, DEL REY and ROGER play the guitar. The expertise with which the actors play the guitar will vary on the actors. At the very least, they should learn to play the basic chords to the songs – and “fake it”. Even DEL REY and ROGER, who are proficient guitar players, can just play chords and that approach will work in each scene.

Additionally, for music between scenes beginning at the end of ACT I, SCENE IV, use the instrumental music from the song, Velvet, which appears at the end of the play. In this way, the audience can following along with Joshua’s progress as he constructs his song, or “assignment”, given to him by Del-Rey. The melody to Del-Rey’s Lament = pick any blues melody and apply.

ACT I, SCENE I

(Sunday evening. JOSHUA’S bedroom. Over the loudspeaker, a recording is heard of JOSHUA CINRIK, 20, playing his guitar and singing, *“Big Rock Candy Mountain” – with his speech impediment. JOSHUA is dressed in his work clothes – white golf shirt, dark pants, tennis shoes, prescription glasses with thick lens and a blue Wal~Mart vest with plastic name tag, big yellow smiley face and “Good Job” pins. With his back turned slightly on an angle toward the audience, he practices his greeting speech in front of a double-wide, full-length mirror. JOSHUA’S mother, DORIS CINRIK, 57, is in the living room talking on the phone. The recording fades as JOSHUA is heard practicing – with his speech impediment. The lights dim back and forth between each scene.)

JOSHUA
Hello. Welcome to Wal~Mart. Is there something I can help you find? Would you like a flyer with today’s store specials? There you go. Enjoy your visit to Wal~Mart. Hello. Welcome to Wal~Mart. Is there something I can help you find? Enjoy your vis – oh, here’s a flyer with today’s store specials. Enjoy your visit to Wal~Mart. Thanks for stopping by. Hello. Welcome to Wal~Mart. Is there something…

DORIS
(Loudly, on the phone. JOSHUA can still be heard in the background.)
I told you, Estelle, you plant daffodil and tulip bulbs in the fall to bloom in the spring. Read your Burpees™ magazine. Daddy used to say, ‘Think tulips – Easter. Easter – Spring. Spring bulbs in winter.’ Oh-h he always said that. We did ours already. Joshua helped. He’s so wonderful in the garden- very meticulous. I mean the spacing between the bulbs is perfect. Everything’s fine, Estelle…

JOSHUA
(Doing the Wal~Mart cheer.)
Gimme a “W”! “W”! Gimme an “A”! “A”! Gimme an “L”! “L”! Gimme a squiggly!
(He bends over and wiggles his posterior.)
Squiggly! Gimme an “M”! “M”! Gimme an “A”! “A”! Gimme an “R”! “R”! Gimme a “T”! “T”! What does it spell?! “WAL~MART”! Who’s #1?! The customer…always…Uh!

(JOSHUA vocalizes people cheering.)

DORIS
(On the phone.)
What’s that? That’s Joshua – he practices his greeting speech every Sunday evening in front of the mirror. No – just Sundays. He says he needs to be refreshed should they ask him to fill in greeting people at the door. What? It’s some cheer they do. Oh-h he stocks shelves, mops…whatever they need him to do. What’s that? Of course he can cashier, Estelle – he’s not retarded…

JOSHUA
Hello. Welcome to Wal~Mart. Is there something I -
(He stops and stares at his reflection in the mirror. Children and adult voices are heard giggling and whispering over the loudspeaker – voices JOSHUA is hearing in his head. He studies his face and touches it. Without his speech impediment.)
Why don’t I look like everyone else? What’s wrong with me? Everything about me is wrong – my face, my eyes, my body. It’s not fair. Why did this happen to me? Why not someone else? I see people staring at me – at the way I look, the way I act.
(Beat)
I don’t feel any different on the inside.
(Beat)
I know what they’re thinking. They think I’m retarded. I can hear what they’re whispering.
(Beat)
All I want is to be treated like everyone else.

(As he continues studying himself in the mirror, an audiotape is heard of people making comments as if toward JOSHUA. The comments overlap slightly.)

GIRL
Why do you look like that, Joshua?

BOY
What’s wrong with you, Joshua?

ADULT MALE
Stay away from him.

GIRL
What are you looking at?

BOY
Joshua, are you retarded?

ADULT FEMALE
I don’t want him around my children.

BOY
We don’t want to play with you.

GIRL
Joshua, no!

BOY
Get out of here!

GIRL
Don’t, Joshua.

ADULT MALE
I’m sorry but we can’t have you work here.

(JOSHUA covers his ears.)

GIRL
Get away from me!

ADULT FEMALE
Joshua, no!

CHILDREN
Joshua, no!

ALL VOICES
No, Joshua!!

JOSHUA
(Defiantly, with his speech impediment.)
JOSHUA NO!!
(The voices abruptly stop. Without his speech impediment.)
All I want is to be treated like everyone else.

DORIS
Joshua!

(SPOTLIGHT FADES UP on DEL-REY, JOSHUA’S make-believe friend, who is sitting on a stool in the corner of the room. He’s a hefty, black street musician who plays for change in the streets. He has a tin cup for spare change, a backpack and sleeping bag.)

DEL-REY
It’s the voices again, ain’t it?

JOSHUA
Someday’s they’re louder. What are you doing here, Del-Rey?

DEL-REY
I’m always here.
(Rising.)
I can leave if you want me to?

JOSHUA
No – stay.
(Beat)
My 21st birthday’s coming up.

DEL-REY
Shor’e is. Lordy…ben a long time since I was 21. Uh-huh. Dem’s was da times, dat’s for shor’e…from what I remember.

JOSHUA
I guess I should feel lucky to hit 21.

DEL-REY
Luck had nothin’ to do wit it. Joshua. You a survivor. Hell, der’s people all over da world in da same condition as you living longer lives. Times has changed, thank da Lord for dat.

JOSHUA
Then why do I feel like I’m a square peg in a round world?

DEL-REY
Dat’s ‘cause you are – in a way. We’s all tryin’ to fit in somewhere, Joshua.

(Pause. DORIS rises from the couch and goes over to JOSHUA’S door. DEL-REY puts his finger to his lips to quiet JOSHUA. DORIS knocks and as soon as the door opens, the SPOTLIGHT FADES on DEL-REY.)

DORIS
Time for bed.

JOSHUA
(With speech impediment.)
I’m going.

(DORIS closes the door and the SPOTLIGHT FADES UP on DEL-REY.)

DEL-REY
Ya outta be careful wit yor momma ‘round. She gonna think yor’ crazy for talkin’ to yor’self.

JOSHUA
(Without speech impediment.)
But I’m not talking myself. I’m talking to you.

DEL-REY
Like I said…she gonna think yor’ crazy.

(Pause.)

JOSHUA
Did you know that the 21st chromosome – the one that made me the way I am – is a misnomer? It should’ve been called, “Chromosome 22”.

DEL-REY
I did not know that. And I do not know what a misnomer is either.

JOSHUA
Yeh. Chromosomes are numbered from largest to smallest. The
Down Syndrome chromosome is the smallest.
(Beat)
It should’ve been numbered 22.
(Beat)
I wish my family was all together. Maybe things would be different. Or at least a bit easier for me.

DEL-REY
Nuthin’ mor’ important den family.
(Beat)
Tell ya what – how ‘bout I wave my magic gui-tar and den you’ll be able to wish fo’ anythin’ you want.

JOSHUA
If you had a magic wand you wouldn’t be playing for quarters on the street corner.

DEL-REY
Touche, Joshua. Touche. But ya do have some magic right up here.
(Points to his own head.)
Anythin’ can happen as long as ya got your imagination…and dat surely is intact.

JOSHUA
I suppose.

DORIS
Joshua?! What’s going on in there?!

JOSHUA
(To DORIS, with speech impediment.)
WHAT?!
(To DEL-REY, without speech impediment.)
I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.

DEL-REY
I’ll be here.
(Beat)
Da day you lose yo’ imagination, Joshua, is da day you ain’t long for dis world. You remember dat.

(SPOTLIGHT FADES on DEL-REY.)

DORIS
Joshua?!
(Yelling into the phone.)
How’s your hip coming along? Yeh? What’s more important – your hip or the flower beds? Estelle, I have to go. I think Joshua’s finishing up and I’ve got to get him into bed. Well just dig’em up and start from scratch. OK. I’ll talk to you later. And stay off your feet! B-bye.
(Hanging up the phone.)
Joshua! Come out here for a second!
(Beat)
JOSHUA! Come here!
(JOSHUA enters the living room.)
What are you doing in there?

JOSHUA
(With speech impediment.)
Nothing.

DORIS
What’s with all the screaming?

JOSHUA
I was practicing my speech.

DORIS
I know you were practicing your speech. Why were you screaming?

JOSHUA
I don’t know. I’m tired.

DORIS
It’s late – you need to get ready for bed. Wait a second. Come sit by me.
(JOSHUA sits down on the couch and lays his head on DORIS’ shoulder.)
Your Aunt Estelle says, ‘Hello’. That was her on the phone.

JOSHUA
I know – I heard you yelling at her from my room. How’s her arm?

DORIS
It’s her hip and she’s doing fine. And I yell at her ‘cause she’s going deaf. Did you put your dirty clothes in the laundry hamper – the ones you were wearing when we were digging in the flower garden?

JOSHUA
Yes.

DORIS
What about that bicycle that’s lying all over the sidewalk out front? Did you clean it up like I asked you to?

JOSHUA
Yes.

DORIS
No you did not – I just checked. Who told you to take it apart like that?

JOSHUA
I was fixing it.

DORIS
It’s in a million pieces.

JOSHUA
I’ll put it together tomorrow.

DORIS
Someone’s gonna trip over it and break their neck and sue us for everything we don’t have.

JOSHUA
I’ll pick it up tomorrow.

DORIS
You better pick it up tomorrow.
(Beat)
Why are you dressed in your work clothes?

JOSHUA
I was practicing my cheer.

DORIS
In your work clothes?

JOSHUA
How can I practice my work cheer if I’m not in my work clothes?

DORIS
(Beat – not understanding JOSHUA’S logic.)
Now listen to me for a second. Are you listening to me? You know your birthday’s coming up in a few days.

JOSHUA
I know. I’m gonna be 21.

DORIS
That’s a big deal – 21. It means you’re officially an “adult”.

JOSHUA
I know. I’m gonna be a man.

DORIS
Yes you are. Now, I was thinking maybe we could have a little something to cele–
(Stops herself, not wanting to give her party plans away just yet. Beat.)
Did you know that I love you very much?

JOSHUA
I love you, too. I’m gonna be 21.

(Pause.)

DORIS
21. Where did all the years go? Can you believe there are days when I wish I could go back…to when you were just a little boy? We managed to get through it pretty well though – these last 10 years, didn’t we…you and I?

JOSHUA
Yep.
(Beat)
Tell me a story.

DORIS
Aren’t you getting too old for my stories?

JOSHUA
Nope.

DORIS
OK. Which one would you like to hear?

JOSHUA
The one about Joshua.

DORIS
Oh you’ve heard that story a million times. How about a different story? How about -

JOSHUA
I wanna hear about Joshua and the lady.

DORIS
Fine.
(Beat. From memory.) ‘There once was a boy named Joshua who lived a long, long time ago in a little thatched cottage in Ireland and he took care of his sheep and lambs and chickens and he fished in the stream that ran right along his home and –

JOSHUA
What about the girl?

DORIS
- and he lived in his cottage with a beautiful girl named Ceartha (PRONOUNCED, “KEE-RHA”) whom he loved more than life itself. And the world they lived in was an idyllic one – no wars or fighting or sickness. Everyone lived in peace and was happy. Joshua and his lovely Ceartha would often sit in front of the fireplace drinking tea and eating scones with raspberry jam and goat cheese and Joshua would spin fantastic stories of ancient knights and the lands they lived in. The escorts who accompanied the knights on their journeys would ride out in front holding brilliantly colored banners proclaiming who the knights were and where they were from. And bringing up the rear were bagpipers and buglers and dancers and magicians and servants who entertained the cavalcade as the knights journeyed throughout the countryside and in search of adventure and treasure. Oh – and the knights rode upon gallant steeds that were ten hands high and as beautifully adorned as the knights. Now, after their adventures, the knights would return home, weary from –
(Beat)
Joshua?
(JOSHUA’S asleep. DORIS grabs a blanket and covers him up.)
Yes, Joshua, you are going to be a man. But you’ll always be my baby.

(END OF SCENE.)

ACT I, SCENE II

(Monday morning. DORIS is in the kitchen preparing breakfast. JOSHUA is in his room.)

DORIS
Joshua? Are you ready for breakfast?

JOSHUA
Yes!

(He exits his bedroom with a tattered briefcase in tow and sits down at the kitchen table.)

DORIS
(Holding up two boxes of cereal.)
Raisin Bran or Captain Crunch?

JOSHUA
Um-m…Captain Crunch.
(DORIS sets the Captain Crunch and a bowl in front of JOSHUA and turns away.)
And Raisin Bran.
(DORIS turns back and sets the Raisin Bran down. JOSHUA pours it into his bowl, followed by milk.)
I like them both mixed together.

DORIS
Anything else?

JOSHUA
The business section, please.
(DORIS grabs the morning newspaper, rifles through it and pulls the business section out. She hands it to JOSHUA who opens it to the business section.)
Jesus, Mary and Josephine!

DORIS
Joshua…you know I don’t like that sort of talk.

JOSHUA
My Wal~Mart stock is up two points! I made…$30 dollars and I haven’t even left the house yet!

DORIS
Good for you.

JOSHUA
I have to eat first then I have to go to work.

DORIS
I know you have to go to work. Speaking of work – no more getting dressed in your work clothes the night before. You’re getting too big for me to change you. You’re gonna be 21, after all.

JOSHUA
I’m gonna be a man!

(The kitchen door opens and ERIC CINRIK – 31, enters.)

ERIC
(In an Irish brogue.) ‘And a fine man, ‘tis he!’

JOSHUA
Heya, Eric!

ERIC
Morning, brother. Mother.

(ERIC gives DORIS a kiss and then puts his hand up for JOSHUA to give him a high-five.)

DORIS
Morning. What are you doing here?

ERIC
I’m meeting a client at Harvey’s Griddle and -
(Seeing the breakfast spread on the counter.) – o-o-o, cinnamon raisin bagels.
(He grabs a couple bagels, starts spreading cream cheese on them and pours himself a glass of orange juice.)
Big week, this week.
(Looking at JOSHUA.)
Big week for everybody.

DORIS
I thought you’re training for a triathlon?

ERIC
Carbs, baby.

DORIS
What does that mean, ‘carbs, baby’?

JOSHUA
Energy!

ERIC
Exactly. Carbohydrates provide energy. While I’m training, I burn through carbs quickly, so I need to replenish my body with more…

(ERIC looks at JOSHUA.)

JOSHUA
ENERGY! Where’s your race?

ERIC
St. Louis – in two months. Mile and a half swim, 40 mile bike and 10 mile run. Wanna come along and be my cheering section?

JOSHUA
That would be cool!

ERIC
Good. That makes three: you, me and Bianchi Freccia (PRONOUNCED, “FRAY-ZSCHA).

DORIS
You talk about that bicycle as if it’s a living, breathing thing, for heaven’s sake.

ERIC
That’s because it is. I’m in love with her – my Bianchi.

DORIS
You know Harvey just finished remodeling the entire inside of the Griddle.

ERIC
I know – I saw the new signage out front.
(Effeminately.)
I’m very excited to see what he’s done with the place.

DORIS
He’s doing rather well for himself these days.

ERIC
Yah – he got divorced.

DORIS
What difference does that make? He hardly ever spent a minute with his wife.

ERIC
He didn’t need to spend any time with her – she was having an affair with the soup guy down the street.

DORIS
Jimmy Dee?

(ERIC nods.)

JOSHUA
Jimmy Dee makes good soup.

ERIC
That’s not all Jimmy Dee makes these days. He and Mrs. Harvey have a bun in the oven.

(DORIS runs over and places her hands over JOSHUA’S ears.)

DORIS
No-o-o!

ERIC
From Harvey’s lips to God’s ears.

JOSHUA
(Yelling.)
How’s the advertising business, Eric?!

ERIC
A bitch, Joshua. It’s a -

DORIS
Eric.

ERIC
How’s work at Wal~Mart?

JOSHUA
A bitch.

DORIS
(To ERIC.)
You see. You love your job at Wal~Mart, don’t you, Joshua?

JOSHUA
Uh-huh.

ERIC
I’m just saying any job’s a bitch as long as you’re working for “the man”, isn’t that right, Josh?

JOSHUA
You mean, Mr. Wal~Mart? I haven’t met him yet.

DORIS
Aren’t you considered “the man” now – with your new creative director position and all?

ERIC
(To DORIS.)
I still have to answer to three partners.
(Beat)
A half-man, maybe.
(To JOSHUA.)
No, Joshua…”the Man”. Corporate America. The guys in suits you and I address as, ‘Yes, sir’. ‘No, sir’. ‘I’ll get that for you right away, sir’.
(He pushes the paper down out of JOSHUA’S face.)
The guys who look like this.

(ERIC makes a face.)

JOSHUA
Oh, yeh. That’s Harold. He’s head of maintenance. He doesn’t wear a suit though. He walks around with his head up his ass.

DORIS
Joshua! Who did you hear that from?!

JOSHUA
Eric…

ERIC
(Overlapping)
What?

JOSHUA
(Overlapping)
…and some of the guys at work. That’s the reason Harold makes those faces, right?

ERIC
Having one’s “head up his ass”, Joshua, is a saying. It means that Harold is incompetent – that he doesn’t perform his job well.

JOSHUA
I think he’s a good boss.

DORIS
Those men shouldn’t talk like that around you. People like that are a bad influence and can only mean trouble.

ERIC
Mother – it’s guys talking.

DORIS
I don’t care. Harold’s nice to you, isn’t he, Joshua?

JOSHUA
Yes. He says he likes to keep an eye on me for my own good.

DORIS
Well that’s very nice of him.
(To ERIC.)
And don’t come in here spouting off about Corporate America and “the man” and using foul language in front of your brother. He repeats everything he hears.
(Watching ERIC eat.)
Aren’t you gonna spoil your breakfast?

ERIC
Probably.

JOSHUA
Who you meeting with?

ERIC
Charles Bouvier (PRONOUNCED, “BOO-VEE-AY”).

JOSHUA
He’s the Donut King. I eat his donuts all the time.

ERIC
He fired his current ad agency and Jackson, Schultz and Jeanpierre is gonna pitch’em.

DORIS
Pitch’em?

ERIC
Yeh – pitch’em. Try and get his business. And if we win the account, it’s worth $10 million dollars to the agency of record and it’ll be my responsibility to turn the Donut King into the Supreme Donut Ruler of the Universe – which is maybe why I’m a bit testy this morning, Mother.
(Noticing JOSHUA’S reading the business section.)
We up or down this morning, Josh?

JOSHUA
(His eyes still in the paper.)
Up two points. I made $30 bucks.

ERIC
Way to go.
(Sits next to JOSHUA.)
Care for a little business advice, brother?

JOSHUA
OK.

ERIC
Expect nothing. That way you won’t be disappointed.

DORIS
What kind of advice is that to give your brother?

ERIC
(To DORIS.)
Sound Irish advice.
(To JOSHUA.) “Cinrik’s” Irish, you know. Ever seen an unhappy Irishman? Never – happy as clams, the Irish. Why? ‘Cause they’re realists, which is what you need to be. So, tomorrow morning, you jump out of bed and find out your stock dropped. Dejected, you walk around work with your head up your ass –
(To DORIS.) – Joshua’s words –
(To JOSHUA.) – do something stupid and end up on Harold’s shit list. Is that how you wanna start out your workweek?

JOSHUA
No.

ERIC
I didn’t think so.

DORIS
(Overlapping)
Don’t scare him like that, Eric – and please don’t use the word, “stupid”.

ERIC
Sorry, Joshua. Now, if you take your elder brother’s advice, either your stock drops but you weren’t expecting anything, so your day’s a wash, or you gain two points, make $30 bucks and you’re set for the day. Either way, you weren’t expecting anything so you’re ahead of the game. Capishe?

JOSHUA
I’d like more cereal, please.

ERIC
Joshua, did you heard a word I said?

DORIS
He would if you spoke English.

JOSHUA
Don’t count your chickens before they hatch?

ERIC
(To DORIS.)
See? So…Joshua. The big 2-1’s coming up, eh?

JOSHUA
Yep. I’m gonna be a man.

ERIC
21’s a big day for the Cinrik men. In Gaelic, it’s the day of the “teachd” (PRONOUNCED, “TAWKT”) – which means, “the arrival”.

JOSHUA
What have I arrived at?

ERIC
Umm – manhood, I guess? Being a man – you know, like you keep saying, ‘I’m a man’. It’s a rite of passage. Like a Jewish bar mitzvah.
(Beat)
And you get to legally smoke, drink and go strip clubs.

DORIS
Don’t tell him that, for Christ’s sake, Eric! I don’t want Joshua drinking and lighting up at strip clubs!

ERIC
Mother, he’s gonna be 21. You can’t keep him sheltered forever.

DORIS
I understand that. But being an adult isn’t an automatic passport to a gentlemen’s club. It’s very serious business, especially with Joshua.

ERIC
(To JOSHUA.)
How’s the guitar strumming coming along?

JOSHUA
(Pouring more cereal and milk.)
I learned a new song. Wanna hear it?

DORIS
Joshua, we don’t have time for that right now.

ERIC
What’s the song?

JOSHUA
“Big Rock” –

ERIC
“Big Rock Candy Mountain”? You know, Joshua, maybe it’s time you learned a new song. I mean, don’t you get sick of playing “Big Rock Candy Mountain” over and over and over again?
(Turning to DORIS.)
He’s been playing that song since…

(DORIS motions to ERIC to stop.)

JOSHUA
It’s my favorite song to play.

ERIC
It’s the only song you play.

DORIS
(Yells.)
He likes the song!

ERIC
It’s a great song. I mean – I like…chocolate, too, but if that’s all I ever ate I’d throw up and my teeth would fall out. Is that what you want – for all your teeth to fall out of your mouth?

JOSHUA
My teeth can’t fall out from playing “Big Rock Candy Mountain”, will they, Mom?.

DORIS
No, Joshua. Eric’s funning with you.
(To ERIC.)
There is nothing wrong with Joshua’s teeth. If there were, I’d make him a new set.

ERIC
Who’d a thunk having a false teeth ceramist for a mother would be so convenient? So, Josh, seeing as you’re the donut connoisseur of the family, any words of wisdom before I meet with Mr. Bouvier?
(JOSHUA continues eating.)
Joshua – is there anything you think I should tell the Donut King about his donuts that would make more people buy them?

JOSHUA
Sell them for free.

ERIC
OK, but what do you think I should say in the ads to get more people to come into his stores?

JOSHUA
When I eat my donut I don’t think about anything else. Just how good the custard tastes.

ERIC
“Donuts that make you forget about life”. “The donut you can’t have enough of”. How ‘bout…“The donuts Joshua likes”?

JOSHUA
I like that one. Maybe you can use my picture in your ads.

ERIC
Maybe I will. You’d have to sign a release though.

JOSHUA
OK – after you pay me.

ERIC
Did you hear that, Ma? The world of stocks and speculative trading is turning your son into a first-class capitalist shark.
(Looking at his watch.)
I have to go. Have a great day.
(Gives her a kiss.)
Make good teeth.

DORIS
Good luck with your meeting.

ERIC
It’s the Donut King – what could go wrong?

JOSHUA
He could have his head up his ass.

DORIS
Stop that!

ERIC
You know – he very well could. If he does, I’ll just –
(Pantomiming for JOSHUA.) – jerk it out.

JOSHUA
See ya, Eric! Good luck.

ERIC
Thanks, buddy. See ya later.

(ERIC starts to exit, then reaches over for another bagel. He starts to speak but DORIS cuts him off.)

DORIS
I know – carbs, baby. Goodbye.

(ERIC exits.)

DORIS
Are you ready to go, Joshua?

(JOSHUA sets his paper down, grabs his briefcase and waits at the door.)

JOSHUA
Ready.
(DORIS grabs her lunch and a bagel.)
Mom, we need to make one stop before Wal~Mart.

DORIS
We’re not stopping at the Donut King, Joshua. We’re gonna be late as it is.

JOSHUA
I want a Donut King donut.

DORIS
No.

JOSHUA
(Loudly.)
I WANT A DONUT KING DONUT! I WANT A DONUT -

DORIS
Fine. Let’s go already. Geezuz.
(FADE TO BLACK.)
Remind me to kill your brother the next time I see him, OK?

JOSHUA
OK.
(Beat)
Donut King. The donuts Joshua likes.

(END OF SCENE.)

“I loved it!!!!!!!!!! Surprised me when I saw it…the end totally threw me for a loop, in a good way. I’m still thinking it over….’Jesus loves you?’. It definitely had my attention. It’s got a kind of psychological mystification.” – Katie Anderson, writer, visual artist, member of Inked-In.com, poet, Indiana

“Jesus Pushed A Grocery Cart”

by Jeffrey James Ircink
6405 blossom ct.
greendale, wi 53129
c: (262) 806-2808
jeffbumbershoot43@gmail.com
irc_64@hotmail.com
http://www.jeffircink.blogspot.com/
© Copyright September 2008

Cast of Characters
MALE, 30-45 – on-the-go, “with it” up-and-coming businessman
BUM, 30-50 – homeless, dirty, mean-spirited, likes to play with people’s heads, resentful

Setting
Near a freeway underpass in Los Angeles, California, USA.
Right now.

“Jesus Pushed A Grocery Cart”

ACT I, SCENE 1

(Los Angeles, California. Evening. A car is stalled off the side of the road near a freeway underpass. The hood is up. A MAN is under the car yelling, “Sonofabitch”, intermittently. He crawls out from under the car and checks underneath the hood. He’s dressed casually – nice shoes, jeans and sport jacket. He closes the hood and pulls out his cell.)

MAN
Sonofabitch!
(Into the cell.)
Hey – it’s me. The car died. I don’t know – it just quit. I have no idea. I tried. Where are you? Shit. What? I’ll have to walk home then, no biggie. Uh-huh. Yeh. Where?
(Looking around.)
Um…St. Mary’s Crescent and…just south of Millbrook. Hey I should get going. Yeah, OK. Wait – I could call AAA for a ride – honey? Hello? Katie? Sonofabitch!
(His phone dies. He tries calling. Nothing. He thinks about smashing it but hesitates.

BUM
Need some help?

MAN
What? No. I’m good. Thanks.

(The BUM waves and continues pushing his cart until he’s off-stage right. The MAN curses again. He looks to see if the BUM is gone, then gets out of his car. He’s just about to set off stage left when the BUM returns from stage right.)

BUM
Hey, wait up!

(The MAN tries to bolt but drops some papers. The BUM catches up and helps the MAN pick up his belongings.)

MAN
I got – thanks.
(The BUM hands him some papers.)
Thank you.

(He tries to leave but the BUM is blocking his path.)

BUM
Do you know of a place named “Pico Rivera”?

MAN
“Pico Rivera?” Is that a business?

BUM
(More succinctly.)
Do you know of a place named “Pico Rivera”?

MAN
(Irritated.)
No.
(Beat)

BUM
Where you goin’?

MAN
(Pointing stage left.)
That way.

BUM
Which way?

MAN
That way. The way you’re blocking.

BUM
Oh – pardon me.
(The MAN exits stage left, downstage. Yelling.)
Sorry. Didn’t mean to block your way!

(Beat. The BUM disappears stage left. The MAN reappears upstage, stage left, crossing in a diagonal. The BUM is not far behind him. The MAN crosses the stage numerous times, disappearing in the wings and reappearing, the BUM is in hot pursuit. The MAN reappears on stage and is alone. He stops to rest on a cement embankment/wall, rummaging through his briefcase, not seeing the BUM emerge from the wings. The BUM spots the MAN and lets his shopping cart fly across the stage in the direction of the MAN. The MAN hears the cart and looks up, just in time to prevent the cart from crashing into him.)

MAN
HEY!? What the fuck is your problem?! Why are you following me?

BUM
(Approaching the MAN.)
I’m not following you.

MAN
Yes you are.

BUM
No – I’m not. I just happen to be going the same way you are.

MAN
Fine. Go.

BUM
Fine.
(He starts off, then stops.)
Hey, you got any spare change, brother?

MAN
(Under his breath.)
Took you long enough.

BUM
What’s that?

MAN
I said I wish I had some.
(Hands in pockets.)
Nope – no change.

BUM
Bills will do just fine.

MAN
I don’t have any money on me, alright?

BUM
You don’t have one dollar in your wallet?

MAN
No.
(He takes out his wallet and opens it.)
See –

BUM
You have some bills in there – I see them.

MAN
Huh. I could’ve sworn I didn’t have any.

BUM
So can I have a dollar? Come on, man. You can spare a buck, can’t ya?

MAN
Yeh – fine. Here’s a dollar. Now can I be on my way – alone?

BUM
Sure. If you want.

MAN
Whatdaya mean, ‘if I want’?

BUM
Maybe you want some company.

MAN
I don’t need any company.

BUM
I didn’t say you “needed” company. I said “want”. I thought perhaps you “wanted” some company.

MAN
I don’t “want” any company, thank you.

BUM
Ya sure? Doesn’t look like anyone’s comin’ to get you.

MAN
I’m aware of that. That’s why I’m trying to walk home.

BUM
That’s why I’m trying to walk home.

MAN
(Beat)
Are you mocking me?

BUM
I think you’re mocking me.

MAN
I’m outta here.

(The MAN starts off stage right. The BUM leaves his cart and follows.)

BUM
Wait!

MAN
WHAT?!!

BUM
(Beat)
Nothing. I just didn’t want you to leave me, that’s all.

MAN
Listen – I feel bad. I really do. I mean, I don’t like to see this happen to anyone anymore than you like living it. It’s a tragedy – really. We all have our dignity and it’s not fair that –

BUM
Are you bullshitting me?

*Semi-Finalist, Short & Sweet/Sydney: The Biggest Little Play Festival in the World, Australia, January 2009.

“Good play.” – Alex Broun, and one of the world’s most produced ten minute playwrights and Artistic Co-ordinator of Short & Sweet/Sydney, the largest ten minute play festival in the world

“My dad died in a hospital bed in my mom and dad’s living room almost two years ago.  Rocked my boat in a way I can’t describe.  And then life goes on.  It was good for me to read this at this time of year.  Did you ever see the movie, “Little Children” ?  I can hear the voice in this play the way the narrator speaks in that movie.  I love that movie.  I feel proud of you…”
– Dee Rich, Phoenix, AZ

“The Bed”

A Short-Sheeted Play (excerpt)
by
Jeffrey James Ircink
6405 blossom ct.
greendale, wi 53129
c: (262) 806-2808
jeffbumbershoot43@gmail.com
irc_64@hotmail.com
http://www.jeffircink.blogspot.com/
© Copyright September 2008

Cast of CharactersMALE VO, 60+, Standard British accent
FATHER / MAN, 30 (d)
MOTHER / WIFE at 30
WIFE at 75
TEEN GIRL, 18 / NURSE (d)
YOUNG BOY, 7
TEEN BOY, 18
MIDDLE-AGED MAN, 55 /
OLD MAN, 80 (d)

The BOY, TEEN BOY, MAN, MIDDLE-AGED MAN and OLD MAN represent the baby at various stages of its life. Suggested roles may be double-cast (d) if convenient.

Setting
A bedroom. Initially, the bedroom is decorated for a baby boy. As each scene shifts to coincide with the boy’s aging, the bedroom should be decorated appropriately – 2-4 items may be brought in and taken away as the actors shift scenes. Also, regardless of how the light in the room is turned on and off, it should appear as if the lights are manipulated by an actor (i.e. light switch or table lamp).

The prominent piece of furniture in the bedroom is a queen-sized bed, including bed frame, headboard and baseboard, and a nightstand with lamp. “Adagio in G Minor” plays throughout this piece.

Time
The past, present and future.

The Bed(MUSIC CUE: “Adagio in G Minor”. A door opens and the lights are switched on by a FATHER and MOTHER entering a baby boy’s room. A queen-size bed is the prominent fixture – and a sock monkey sets on the bed. The couple has arrived home from the hospital with their new baby in tow. The couple’s movements – the requisite playing with the baby, feeding the baby, changing the baby – jive with the music and have a 50’s/Capra-esque feel, yet the characters and settings are nondescript. The FATHER exits, the music fades and the MOTHER sings a lullaby as she settles into a rocker to rock her baby to sleep. MAN VO is heard. The MAN VO is an older man’s voice – the baby grown up, reflecting on his life. His tone is contemplative. MUSIC FADES.)

MAN VO:
“After my birth and upon my arrival home from the hospital, the first place my parents took me was to my bedroom. It was there that I was introduced to “the bed” – my bed. Not a crib like most infants – but my very own queen-sized bed. As a child, my mother taught me many things, the three most important of those being: do onto others, wear clean underwear and the importance of home décor. Notwithstanding its obvious versatility, ‘One’s bed’, my mother would quip, ‘is the most important piece of furniture in the home’.”

(The MOTHER places the baby in the bed, pulling up the guard rails on either side to keep it from falling out.)

“The bed and I were inseparable. During those early years, it was nothing more than a practical appendage of my own self – a utilitarian object in my life I neither understood nor questioned. I was simply ‘being’ with the bed.”

(The MOTHER walks to the door, turning to have one last moment with her baby, then switches off the light and exits. BEAT. MUSIC FADES UP. The door opens and a YOUNG BOY – age 7 – turns on the light and runs into the room. He has a box of animal crackers with him. The MOTHER and FATHER follow, exchanging the “baby” motif for “young boy” decor. The sock monkey sets atop a pile of other toys. The MOTHER and FATHER kiss the child on the head and exit. The YOUNG BOY jumps up and down on the bed while eating his crackers. MUSIC FADES.)

MAN VO:
“As I matured from an infant to a young boy, I began to comprehend the significance of my mother’s wisdom.

(The MOTHER re-enters, taking the crackers away from the boy and chastising him, then exits. The YOUNG BOY constructs a tent on the bed out of sheets and blankets.)The bed was more than just a place to sleep, more than respite to cure my ills – it was my playground; my pirate ship; my fort; it was my stage and my cinema. My altar and my alter-ego. My refuge…where I commanded the world to do my bidding or hide under the covers when my bidding fell miserably short of expectations. It was my castle and I was the king.

(The lights FADE TO BLACK and a flashlight appears from within the “tent”.)

It is where I dreamt and where my dreams came true.”

(Flashlight goes off. Beat. MUSIC FADES UP. Door opens and a 18-year-old TEEN BOY enters and turns on the light – with him is a TEEN GIRL. It’s the whole teenage thing – he’s shy, she’s coy – and then suddenly they start making out on the bed. The sock monkey sits under the bed, staring out at the audience. MUSIC FADES.)

MAN VO:
“As a young man, the bed turned from pirate ship to boudoir – a veritable playground where I was consumed with pleasures of the flesh. I took full advantage of my coming of age, delighting myself in the exploration of all the sights, sounds and smells that make a woman tick.

(Pause VO. The TEEN GIRL gets off the bed and turns the lights off. LIGHTS UP to minimum – just enough to see the couple’s silhouettes. We hear the couple writhing under the sheets. The TEEN GIRL can be seen while the TEEN BOY is under the covers between the TEEN GIRL’S legs. We hear the sound of sex.)

To eat, to sleep, to read, to work, and yes – to fuck. It is said that these are the best days of one’s life. I couldn’t have agreed more.”

(Beat. MUSIC FADES UP. A MAN in his early 30’s sits on an unmade bed – paperwork spread all over. The MAN is wearing an untucked dress shirt and tie, both unbuttoned, sleeves rolled up. The room décor has changed to reflect that of an adult. There’s a coffee cup on the nightstand. The sock monkey is lying on the floor. MUSIC FADES.)

Megan Turner (foreground) and Marty Norton star in “Reveille!”.

While Catherin – the utilitarian, older woman – manages the day-to-day life on the farm, Amanda fancies herself a writer. Between Amanda’s letters to her beau, Dowd, who is off fighting the Yankees, Dowd’s letters to Amanda, and Amanda’s diary entries (and a healthy spritz of Walt Whitman and Catherin’s temperament), a story is weaved that encompasses the thoughts and desires of both Amanda and Dowd – and Catherin, concerning the war, love and life, in general…a story unlike any Civil War tale you’ve ever heard.

REVEILLE! is a one-act play, the third in the erotic trilogy, AMOR NO FLUXO (Love in Flux). The other shorts are “PASS THE SALT, PLEASE.” and 4 ½ MINUTES (give or take) TO CLIMAX. One-act, drama (2W)

* Staged play reading, September 25, 2010 at Trimborn Farm in Greendale, WI. Click here for information/video from the event.

“I must admit, this is the first time I have ever read an entire play…I found myself wrapped up in a time where life was sometimes difficult and most times rememberable. I found myself squinting as if I were reading your play by candle light…..with the smell of fresh strawberries in the air. Love is a funny thing….we often go through great lengths to preserve it. No matter what it takes. That is why it is so special. Thank you Jeff. You have a lovely winner here.”
– Cindy Kennedy-Lesky, artist, Milwaukee, WI

“This is a cool play, Jeff. I keep thinking of the characters…”
– Dee Rich, Phoenix, AZ

“Quite lovely…slow-paced but completely appropriate for the time period. And wonderfully poetic.” – Val Grant, screenwriter and graphic designer, Los Angeles, CA

“Great one-act. Compelling story, authentic, engaging characters. Surprising ending that felt right, and felt organic to the story. Strong writing all the way around.” – Vicki Letizia, producer, Peabody recipient, VP, Development, PorchLight Entertainment, Los Angeles, CA

“…this is very interesting.”  – Dana Koellner, Artistic Director, The People’s Theater, Santa Monica, CA

“The play touched and entranced my mind – the history in it and the relationship between Catherin and Amanda. Can’t tell what I loved best – the descriptions of “Reveille” and “Taps”, the use of Walt Whitman’s poetry, the gentle way you lead your audience throughout the play…”
– Renee DeWitt, Wisconsin Rapids, WI

“I finished your play this morning, and it was so moving. Really…I love the storyline, the setting, the characters are so well conceived. I loved the transition you made from Amanda’s love for Dowd becoming realized with Catherine. Wow! I can’t believe as a man, you were able to capture two women like that. The conversations were natural and some of it reminded me of how my sister and I talk. I adored the Whitman quotes. I shed a few tears Jeff, reading the last letter Amanda reads.”
– Katie Anderson, writer, visual artist, member of Inked-In.com, poet, IN

“Reveille!”

© Copyright September 2007, Jeffrey James Ircink
6405 blossom ct.
greendale, wi 53129
c: (262) 806-2808
jeffbumbershoot432gmail.com
irc_64@hotmail.com
February 2008

Cast of Characters
Catherin (Older Woman): 32-38
Amanda (Younger Woman): 24-30

ACT I, SCENE 1

(August. 1862. Evening. Somewhere in the Shenandoah Valley of Northern Virginia. The Civil War is in its second year. AMANDA, 25, is sitting at a long table in the living room of a modest farm home – alone. She is wearing the best dress she owns. Throughout the play, another woman – CATHERIN – enters and exits the room. She is eight years older and plays a utilitarian role, busying herself with the day-to-day routines associated with the house and property. With pen in hand, AMANDA reads from a letter she is writing.)

AMANDA
“I arose early this morning, fed the ducks which number around 30, looked over the fields and the garden and gathered some watermelon, say two or three for the day, of which we have a handsome sprinkle and a second growth on the vines. I came in and washed up and had some light breakfast – a roll of bread and fresh butter with a cup of coffee. Then I walked into town to do some shopping and listened to talk of the war and other gossip, including the elections which seem to have the whole town churning about like a beehive. I returned home after deciding war news frightens me so and had dinner – today it was pork, a little batterbread of sweet corn meal, some fresh butter and plenty of good buttermilk. We usually save the pork for special occasions, though I don’t recollect what that special occasion was today. I am thankfully full for which I praise the good Lord. I read some poetry from Godey’s Ladies Book then took a nap for an hour.”
(CATHERIN enters from outside, carrying a watermelon, and goes directly into the kitchen to clean it. She is dressed in work clothes. AMANDA looks up, then continues reading her letter.)

AMANDA
How would you know? You never read Godey’s so how would you know the first thing about it?

CATHERIN
(Somewhat irate – she’s heard this before.)
Godey’s Ladies Book is a prissy piece of trash for passin’ time and nothing more. Why, any soul in his right mind would pay good money for the paper it’s printed on just so he – or she – could have something fittin’ to use in the washroom. And I am not referring to washing one’s hands either.

AMANDA
He’s in love with me – did I tell you that? Yes…I’m not entirely sure to what degree I reciprocate those feelings. I feel something for him, though I’m not for certain if it’s real love or just an infatuation. You remember him, don’t you, Catherin? He lived in the next county over. His father bought and sold horses before the war. I think he’s a zillionaire now after selling horses to the army. Makes no never mind to me. I’m not interested in Dowd’s fortune. Just in Dowd – maybe.

CATHERIN
Well whatever you write about I’m quite certain you’ll be optimistic for both of us. Maybe something good will come of it.

AMANDA
Godey’s Ladies Book publishing my story would be good for starters.
(She goes back to writing. Beat.)
Sounds like a storybook – all that…fluff you were talking about. You came up with all that on your own?

CATHERIN
It wasn’t difficult. I’ve lived it all my life. So have you…or did you already forget?

AMANDA
I didn’t forget.
(Beat)
“Sassafras blossoms”. I like that. May I use it in my narration? For Godey’s?

CATHERIN
Not too much fluff for you, I hope.

(AMANDA rises, walks over to a hope chest and opens it.)

AMANDA
I need to be more diligent in keeping up my diary.
(She removes a small, leather bound book and returns to the table.)
It’s not a daily diary if I don’t write in it everyday, is it now? You could help me by reminding me every once in a while – when you’re not too busy.
(She opens the diary and a VO is heard of AMANDA reading from it. CATHERIN continues ironing.)

AMANDA(VO)
Diary Entry – August 16, 1862. Dear Diary. This whole agitation about slavery is the most monstrous humbug since the flood. It is my full belief that the infatuation which has precipitated the North into this war is a judgment from God.

Listen to me…going on like a politician or a preacher. My dearest, sweet Amanda. I pray that this will all be over soon. I don’t know how much more our country can take. This letter is short – I know. We are pulling out tomorrow but to where I do not know. I will write more when we get situated. All my love. Yours. Dowd.

(AMANDA moves from the chair to the table and continues writing a letter she has started. CATHERIN enters from the bedroom.)

CATHERIN
I’m going into town for a while, Amanda. I’ll be back before dark.

Your fervor and zeal regarding the South’s involvement in the war is admirable, and yet I can’t help but think it is misdirected love. Maybe all of us are misdirected, misinformed and misplaced. War brings misery and this past year, seeing our world in this terrible upheaval, has been an unpleasant experience for me. I suppose it is natural to take sides – to cheer the South and hate the North, to wish our Rebel boys well and spit at the feet of the Yankees. To join in the fray saying, “Preserve state’s rights and leave us our slaves!”. That would seem to be the proper thing to do as sons and daughters of the Old South, and yet is it the moral thing? I’m at a loss to make sense of this entire, abhorrent affair.

Diary Entry – September 9, 1862. Dear Diary. The 28th, 29th and 30th of August the second battle of Manassas took place. At this battle Col. William Baylor was killed, leaving a heartbroken wife and mother and sister to mourn his loss. James Mullen was also killed in this battle. His brother John was wounded before but died after and was brought home to be buried.

On the 10th, little Mary Bentley died of diphtheria. On the 20th, David Bentley died of the same disease at the age of twelve. If it’s not the war that’s causing death, it’s the things the war brings. So sad. My dearest Dowd, I wish there was something you can do to help rid me of the pain this war brings to my heart. If at any time in our relationship, I think now is when I need you most.
(AMANDA enters.)
I was just reading -

AMANDA
I can see that.
(Grabbing the diary from CATHERIN.)