A man with car trouble and a homeless dude cross paths with mixed results.
10-minute, drama (2M)
Left to right: Mike Loranger & Randall T. Anderson in HASHTAG MAYHEM! – 6 short, dark plays by Jeffrey James Ircink
U.S. premiere, HASHTAG MAYHEM! – 6 short, dark plays by Jeffrey James Ircink, The Alchemist Theatre, Milwaukee, WI, March 21-23, 28-30, April 4-6, 2013.
“I loved it!!!!!!!!!! Surprised me when I saw it…the end totally threw me for a loop, in a good way. I’m still thinking it over….’Jesus loves you?’. It definitely had my attention. It’s got a kind of psychological mystification.” – Katie Anderson, writer, visual artist, member of Inked-In.com, poet, Indiana
“Jesus Pushed A Grocery Cart”
by Jeffrey James Ircink
6405 blossom ct.
greendale, wi 53129
c: (262) 806-2808
jeffbumbershoot43@gmail.com
irc_64@hotmail.com
http://www.jeffircink.blogspot.com/
© Copyright September 2008
Cast of Characters
MALE, 30-45 – on-the-go, “with it” up-and-coming businessman
BUM, 30-50 – homeless, dirty, mean-spirited, likes to play with people’s heads, resentful
Setting
Near a freeway underpass in Los Angeles, California, USA.
Right now.
“Jesus Pushed A Grocery Cart”
ACT I, SCENE 1
(Los Angeles, California. Evening. A car is stalled off the side of the road near a freeway underpass. The hood is up. A MAN is under the car yelling, “Sonofabitch”, intermittently. He crawls out from under the car and checks underneath the hood. He’s dressed casually – nice shoes, jeans and sport jacket. He closes the hood and pulls out his cell.)
MAN
Sonofabitch!
(Into the cell.)
Hey – it’s me. The car died. I don’t know – it just quit. I have no idea. I tried. Where are you? Shit. What? I’ll have to walk home then, no biggie. Uh-huh. Yeh. Where?
(Looking around.)
Um…St. Mary’s Crescent and…just south of Millbrook. Hey I should get going. Yeah, OK. Wait – I could call AAA for a ride – honey? Hello? Katie? Sonofabitch!
(His phone dies. He tries calling. Nothing. He thinks about smashing it but hesitates.
BUM
Need some help?
MAN
What? No. I’m good. Thanks.
(The BUM waves and continues pushing his cart until he’s off-stage right. The MAN curses again. He looks to see if the BUM is gone, then gets out of his car. He’s just about to set off stage left when the BUM returns from stage right.)
BUM
Hey, wait up!
(The MAN tries to bolt but drops some papers. The BUM catches up and helps the MAN pick up his belongings.)
MAN
I got – thanks.
(The BUM hands him some papers.)
Thank you.
(He tries to leave but the BUM is blocking his path.)
BUM
Do you know of a place named “Pico Rivera”?
MAN
“Pico Rivera?” Is that a business?
BUM
(More succinctly.)
Do you know of a place named “Pico Rivera”?
MAN
(Irritated.)
No.
(Beat)
BUM
Where you goin’?
MAN
(Pointing stage left.)
That way.
BUM
Which way?
MAN
That way. The way you’re blocking.
BUM
Oh – pardon me.
(The MAN exits stage left, downstage. Yelling.)
Sorry. Didn’t mean to block your way!
(Beat. The BUM disappears stage left. The MAN reappears upstage, stage left, crossing in a diagonal. The BUM is not far behind him. The MAN crosses the stage numerous times, disappearing in the wings and reappearing, the BUM is in hot pursuit. The MAN reappears on stage and is alone. He stops to rest on a cement embankment/wall, rummaging through his briefcase, not seeing the BUM emerge from the wings. The BUM spots the MAN and lets his shopping cart fly across the stage in the direction of the MAN. The MAN hears the cart and looks up, just in time to prevent the cart from crashing into him.)
MAN
HEY!? What the fuck is your problem?! Why are you following me?
BUM
(Approaching the MAN.)
I’m not following you.
MAN
Yes you are.
BUM
No – I’m not. I just happen to be going the same way you are.
MAN
Fine. Go.
BUM
Fine.
(He starts off, then stops.)
Hey, you got any spare change, brother?
MAN
(Under his breath.)
Took you long enough.
BUM
What’s that?
MAN
I said I wish I had some.
(Hands in pockets.)
Nope – no change.
BUM
Bills will do just fine.
MAN
I don’t have any money on me, alright?
BUM
You don’t have one dollar in your wallet?
MAN
No.
(He takes out his wallet and opens it.)
See –
BUM
You have some bills in there – I see them.
MAN
Huh. I could’ve sworn I didn’t have any.
BUM
So can I have a dollar? Come on, man. You can spare a buck, can’t ya?
MAN
Yeh – fine. Here’s a dollar. Now can I be on my way – alone?
BUM
Sure. If you want.
MAN
Whatdaya mean, ‘if I want’?
BUM
Maybe you want some company.
MAN
I don’t need any company.
BUM
I didn’t say you “needed” company. I said “want”. I thought perhaps you “wanted” some company.
MAN
I don’t “want” any company, thank you.
BUM
Ya sure? Doesn’t look like anyone’s comin’ to get you.
MAN
I’m aware of that. That’s why I’m trying to walk home.
BUM
That’s why I’m trying to walk home.
MAN
(Beat)
Are you mocking me?
BUM
I think you’re mocking me.
MAN
I’m outta here.
(The MAN starts off stage right. The BUM leaves his cart and follows.)
BUM
Wait!
MAN
WHAT?!!
BUM
(Beat)
Nothing. I just didn’t want you to leave me, that’s all.
MAN
Listen – I feel bad. I really do. I mean, I don’t like to see this happen to anyone anymore than you like living it. It’s a tragedy – really. We all have our dignity and it’s not fair that –
BUM
Are you bullshitting me?
Bumbershoot - The Plays of Jeffrey James Ircink 
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